SUGAR-

Gifts of soul

2011-12-13T20:22:00.000+08:00

So outing today with Steph and Yiying prompted Yiying to ask, "Why your posts all so emo one?"

Haha, and to be honest it's pretty emo myself. Bt rest assure these posts dun exactly reflect the 100% me. Like how I have a higher tendency to pen down my thoughts when sad and perhaps reflective blogging just makes posts a tad more emo cos I tend to reveal a lot of my inner thoughts. (^O^)

Sometimes I'm an emotional freak. (I know, I know) I laugh while having fun & cry when agitated. Bt tt's just what make us, us. I think tears are the richest gift given to us. We gain soooo much from all the tears we shed over the yrs as we grow.

We cry when we are babies, we cry for instant gratification. We shed tears of joy and we shed tears of compassion. Yes, I might very well be tearing up on the day of my bestfriend's wedding, but it's wouldn't be the same when I mourn over the loss of a favourite toy, grades or even a loved one.

I think I learn just as much when I'm upset as when I'm all happy. & I know I've made it here despite stumbling because I've been through the goods and bads, the ups and downs w the support of everyone who was there for me.

I think Patty Hou sums up all that I've to say btr than myself. Such big words. :)

Pump me with lots of love

2011-11-06T01:08:00.000+08:00

Something very contradicting w me. Like how I want to have many friends, but I shun social settings because the crowd always make me uncomfortable or sad.

I know I've been slacking a great deal these days which is seriously no good, cos finals are coming and I'm totally lacking the drive I had a few weeks ago. And I have lots of undone stuffs as well..... :C Like how I'm totally clueless abt Plants. :<

I think I have a few friends who are pure mad genius smart, a lot from Anderson Sec, but I dun think I'm tt cui either. Get motivated, my dear!!

Tmr! I'll start tmr! God, see me through it!

CAP 5.0 here I come!!

而我已经分不清你是友情，还是错过的爱情。

2011-11-04T23:41:00.002+08:00

"Don't dream too far. Don't loose sight of who you are. Don't remember that rush of joy. He could be that boy. But I'm not that girl."
Elphaba in "I'm Not That Girl," from the musical "Wicked"

In my entire 19 yrs spent on Earth, I'd regard myself to have held some sort of romantic notions towards only 1 guy. In my memory, we dun have many mutual friends, dun share much mutual interests and we spend minimal time tgt. It was a relationship doomed to fail from the begining. He wasn't particularly nice to me. I wasn't unaware of this, bt had simply chosen to overlook it. Sumdays he led me on and I followed suit. Sumdays I felt like I'm the only one making efforts to sustain the relationship. My heart died a little when he flirted with other girls, fluttered when he brought me to the cinemas, shattered when he found a new stead. I was awfully reckless. After all, how could I neglect the most basic protection/integrity a guy can give his gf in a relationship? A status, an obligation. I didn't ask. He didn't give. Our relationship was as transient as it can be.

Bt dear, I've grown to fear your presence. Because everytime I'm with you, I kept wanting a dream tt can nv come true. My heart raced with such anticipation during ur companionship, bt whn everythin ends I felt lonelier than before. Maybe love makes me greedy, while reacting in apathy when you pushed me away in front of ur friends, my heart cringed a suffocating pain.

Thank you for being the grace of my life, bt I have gotta say goodbye for now. I'm not too sure if this relationship ever meant sth to you, bt I was happy while it lasted. I was only 13 when I fell for you and because 1st love is always so 刻骨铭心, I haven quite been able to let go or pursue another love experience.

So when you see me, dun say hello. Cos in this fragile transition state, I can't gurantee my heart wouldn't rmb tt rush of joy, that my mind wouldn't dream too far, that I wouldn't lose sight of who I am.

Bt next time if I have a bf, I'll tell him all abt you, my 1st bf, and how I have always love you, for the past 6 yrs, the only guy in my teenage dreams.

& maybe I'll tell you too, many years from now, just to see that expression of yours. :)

Sayonara.

You girls act all nice and pleasant towards each other, but deep inside some of you are uglier than the rowdest boys.

2011-11-03T19:30:00.001+08:00

Life is gruellingly unfair. Bt I now know tt I shld never confuse God with Life.
http://www.csec.org/csec/sermon/yancey_3302.htm

There's a thousand and one unhappy things, and for all we know, unhappiness kept trying to seep itself in our hearts. It felt like unhappiness has alr taken its roots a long time ago in our hearts, and tt what we're trying to remove all these while are just leaves lying on the branches of the Unhappiness tree.

"Compared to me, She's btr at everything. She has such good grades so teachers adore her and classmates fighting over to be friends with her cos she would be able to help them in school work. She's loud so her requests are heard, however unreasonable. She's pretty in the way most guys would probably go after. No one's gonna care if she has an evil heart, afterall it's not sth tt can be seen."

Terenz, when I told you this, you told me tt I'm the sweetest girl you've ever met. Bt what I really wanted to say is, "It doesn't matter, it's not sth tt can be seen."

Aubrey, how long did it took for you? I felt like it's taking forever for me to walk out of this.

I'll call the police

2011-11-02T00:06:00.002+08:00

While asking ppl how life has been, I sumtimes wish they would ask me how's mine. Bt then again even if they were to ask, I'll probably laugh it off and tell them life's good.

Admitted sth rather personal to bestie today. It's been so long and I've been so drained. & on days like these, I feel esp needy and wish tt I have someone to lean on as my pillar of strength.

Okay and auntie called me CCB the other day, I wish she'd call me tt again because this time round I'll record them in my phone as evidences and report to the police.. Yes, I'll call the police, I'm just scared that she wun get jailed.

What, so you thnk I'm still tt pri sch kid, I'm from NUS heh. #angst

Sumdays, I'm lonely

2011-10-31T20:54:00.000+08:00

I was an empty vessel when I entered Pathlight, but these ppl came and filled me with love.

2011-10-30T00:03:00.001+08:00

You know the place between sleep and awake?
The place where you still rmb what you are dreaming?
That's where I'll always love you...
That's where I'll be waiting.
-Tinkerbell from Peter Pan

I have only know these girls for 10 months. Bt if you took every moment, every memory, if you stretch them end to end - they'd reach forever. Sumtimes friendship isn't about how long we've been walking tgt, it's abt how deep we have dived, how much of an impact we have made in each other's lives.We're so different, yet there's sth similar amongst us all, like an unexplainable impenetrable bond which keeps us going.

Pathlight's a dream, a dream I wanna keep remembering.

Was a different story before I entered PL. I was so empty I didn't even realise it myself. I thought graduation put an end to my past painful memories w A, but when I 1st cried my heart out to Aubrey during PP time in the staffroom, it became clear to me tt I've always been carrying that remmant of pain and scars in my heart.

I always thought tt to be "mature" and "strong", means you dun cry anymore even when there's lack of support, you forgive ppl who hurt you, you pretend nth's wrong when good friends dun stand up for you, when they continue associating w A blatantly. Bt still, why it is that my heart hurts so much despite fulfiling all these definitions of being "mature" and "strong"?

For those struggling against a similar predicarment:
Go on and cry, pain is not meant to be hide.
When relasing great amounts of hurt, forgiving is not an event, but an onging process
Friends who stick through these with you are the ones you know you can keep, you can do less w the rest.

"It was so painful." And these girls despite knowing nth much abt it, told me they will be there.

God, thank you. If I haven met these girls, I wouldn't know how to love again because these girls restored my empty, broken heart.

God heard me, He really did.

2011-10-29T00:43:00.001+08:00

God heard me, He really did.

Despite all the "bad" which I've been through. Despite the times I've strayed from Him. He's here.

Just 2 days ago when I feeling particularly frustrated with life as it is, I told God with little hope that anything will change that "I wanna be blessed more"

It's sth I picked up from a religious ceremony which talks about 幸福的定义, the definition of happiness. Everyone has their own definition of happiness. Plastic surgery, abortion, divorce for the 1st time in my life I was told in a religious setting (woah!) tt it's alright, 幸福就好 as long as you're happy it's fine.

My 1st expression was "woah!", seriously. For all I know religion often presents views in a simplistic way, black/white, no in betweens, eg. Abortion is wrong. (fullstop, undebatable) whereas the world we reside in is full of gray areas. I think for a religious figure to be able to reach such a compromise, his maturity is admirable. & is what I think keeps religion from turning into fanaticism or extremism.

Alright, side-tracked. Today I felt like I experienced what it's meant to be blessed. Subtle hints like knowing your efforts have been paid off in return for good grades, having a friend who willingly waits for you even though you din told her to, having someone to go home with after school, able to mange in socially embarassing/uncomfortable situations, learning to step out of my comfort zone to be independent, appreciating my major.. etc.

Next goal: Heart of mine, grow strong.

Entangled Feelings

2011-10-28T23:18:00.001+08:00

Today, I had a HTHT with WL, but sumhow the HTHT didn't turn out as comforting like the others I had before with Louisa, Manisha, YY, Bro, Terenz, Aubrey or even Tripti. The HTHT was what I perceived to be one conducted immaturely. While speaking the depths of my inner thoughts, I felt like I'm being judged at the same time. Maybe it's because of WL's innate personality, or perhaps it's because we dun share a friendship intimate enough, sumhow the HTHT felt raw for it was the 1st time I felt like I had missed the warmth of acknowlegement which stemmed from the other party. I might have, in a way, regretted carrying out the HTHT with her. Bt oh wells, wht's done cannot be undone and regardless of the judgement passed unto me, the best I can do is to pretend tt I dun care and I really dun see any reason to in this case for no words outside a HTHT can reflect a more sincere and truthful me.

Perhaps, my strongest love language is speech. :) So when carrying out a convo, I'd prefer sumone who really hears my voice as it speaks with effort, my emotional depiction. You dun have to be smart, sophisticated or agree with me. I just dun need another outsider who choose to take a comfortable seating and regard my HTHT as a movie meant to be forgotten after you leave the cinema.

A HTHT, is a more like an oath. No one says that this is friends forever. Bt this sharing does imply a desire and obligation to actively engage in each other's life, to so much as to be there for each other. Outside this realm of spontaneity and hiatus, dun we yearn to rely and depend on sth as well?

A Shattering Wish

2011-10-27T23:50:00.002+08:00

I wanna be blessed more.

你害怕幸福短暫一秒就崩落

2011-10-26T22:46:00.004+08:00

I've been questioning God a lot these days. Then it suddenly strucks me tt instead of questioning, why not try accepting God and see for myself His involvment in my life?

I know that at some point in life, I've experienced it, His subtle footsteps in my life. I dun have dramatic life stories to share bt even if I have, I doubt it would be convincing to many. The thing abt religion is, it stems from belief. Without belief, the whole theory crumbles.

Maybe it's because I'm a science student, the area in which I'm venturing into stems from concrete solid facts and even so I'm taught to always question the current established theory for there's always loopholes and improvements to be made. It's not exactly a natural thing for me to accept sth as intangible as religion, something that extends beyond the bounds of what rationality can explains, sth that involves many subjective feelings. It's not meant to be questioned, just mere trust that He's right and that He knows.

Then when you think abt it, even though science is regarded as the solid hard rock of faith, many problems in life today remain unsolved. Religion helps us cope with this vulnerability we face upon standing at this edge of dark abyss.

I might be the 'princessy' girl in the eyes of many, but if you really get to know me, I'd consider myself to have been through quite a bit in life, probably more than an average fellow 19-yr-old. And in worst times, I do look up to Him for directions. The results are often what ppl commonly term as coincidence bt then again coincidence might very well be His way of staying anonmynous.

All these, I wish for an answer before I reach 20.

Someone's sad over you while you're sad over someone else

2011-09-13T02:32:00.001+08:00

That someone else must be damn blessed.

How long has it been? 6 years and a little more?

It doesn'tmatter, at the end of the day, everything's the same.

2011-09-10T11:30:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I go abt living life with this voice at the back of my mind saying tt I'm ultimately alone.

I'd like to live in the Garden of Eden

2011-08-10T18:49:00.003+08:00

Really, it's not like I'm scared of her or anything.

But if I can put it very simply, I'd say tt just the sight of her reminds me of the past I desperately try to forget. She reminds me of how much she has put me through, is putting me through, and will be putting me through.

Was never really tt emotionally strong a girl. I can't go around plastering a smile on my face when things have gone so terribly wrong. Can't.

Can I just say, I can't afford the pain?

2011-08-05T20:48:00.004+08:00

"I hope I will be happy in Uni"
"I hope you will be happy in Uni, because you have been miserable for the last 2 years"

"You are the sweetest girl I've ever met"

"I'm really glad to have known you, I'm sure Aubrey does as well."

"Cos you would seriously be the last person who deserves bad treament"

When ppl say things liddat to me. I can't really take it, you know?

How many times have it been over and over again? When these words dun realised themselves,

Because I dun think I'm worth this much.

Garden of Sinners

2011-08-02T15:28:00.001+08:00

Main Theme from Garden of Sinners. :)

God, see me through it all. I'm counting on you now.

2011-07-29T23:36:00.004+08:00

Love the "Sticky Pads" app on my new laptop!

In case you're wondering, the purple stickpad is my blogging corner. Sumtimes I'm just so lazy to log onto Blogger, so having an app liddat makes blogger more conducive. It doesn't disrupts my thoughts because more often than not, when you lost that few seconds of inspiration then voila, the season of noting something down on your blog is well over. :(

The yellow stickpads are random notes to faciliate my soon-to-be uni life which include details like my NUSNET ID and password. & bascially a list of modules which I'm interested in taking. (Oh, did I mention how crazy my 1st CORS bidding went?!)

Well then, it's a pretty convenient tool. & I need to buy a ton of things to prepare for school life. I have a five day week. Who the hell have a five day week in uni?! esp when you're not reading medicine/law/engineering/dentistry/DDP. Damn I might consider staying in halls next sem.

But dun be mistaken. All in all, I'm glad how things have been. Might not have been the bestest outcome, but things can be a lot worse. Funny how last time when bad things happened to me, I went, "God, why me?" and now when good things happened to me I went, "God, why me?"

It's unexplainable, beyond understanding, but at the same time you know.

Stop commenting on my weight.

2011-07-29T23:31:00.000+08:00

I now know why is it that I've put on weight when I'm working

Reason 1 - Working in PL, I feel, really puts a strain on your energy! Imagine! Standing from 7.30am (okay, mayb 7.50am since I tend to be late most of the time) all the way to 2.oopm with a teeny weeny short break from 10.00am to 10.30am because it's recess. It's been scientifically proven that standing burns more calories compared to sitting. But just because the output is more doesn't mean that the input is less. More often than not, I'm twice as likely to take my meals since I get hungry more easily!!

Reason 2 - I have undoubtly at some point in my life, regarded eating as a social habit, more than an essential life routine. And I believe the best way to catch up, is to have a meal at a family restaurant. You can sit and chat all day long with your friends or family. If the atm becomes too awkward for the likes of both parties, you can just engage in the meal and enjoy the ambience provided by the restaurant, making the social facade a more comfy one, at the very least. Awesome for meetups with sec or JC friends whom you dun see on a daily basis anymore. :)

Reason 3 - No studying=no stress. If you know of ppl who put on weight when under stress, I'll be the exact opp of them. I swear I lose around 7kg during my A level yr.

PS, This is such a cranky post, my 2 cents worth.

& I know with exact precision, how much pain a heart can take before it shatters.

2011-07-27T01:09:00.003+08:00

"My father lived in a kind of terror of losing his mind. Through his mindful, constant effort of will and talent he had been able to keep his mother's tragic death from drowning him in depression.

But he had to fight against the deep down current every day.

My father had developed his powerful version of denial of his constant pain: first through his writing, which became more and more optimistic and entertaining as he deliberately found more enjoyable subjects than the terrible truth and searing hurt of those traumatic early memories. Then he also escaped through his embrace of a larger public role as an articulate celebrity known for his ability to amuse."

-Michael Gill

To honour those who are fighting depresion, who had fought depression or whose love ones are struggling from depression, because I did.

Pathlight, a place of memories. Some brighter than the others, but all fond.

2011-07-23T15:17:00.007+08:00

A part of my essay regarding my time in Pathlight:

"I couldn’t deny this subtle growing happiness that resides in my heart despite all that hard work.This new, quiet, inner happiness kept catching me unaware in the midst of a rush to meet deadlines."

I've been through classes which house the brightest individuals, the kind with straight As in their report cards; the most enthu individuals who goes all out to plan/organise outings to keep the high going.

Keller's none of the above, but it's prob the best class which I've ever been to.

Have lots of things I wanna say about this special class of angels. I dun have the time now, and I dun wanna make a half-hearted post on it. It's like I wan a special pen or sth to record down every small things which happened in Pathlight, with the kids, teachers and interns because they are the best damn thing which ever happened.

Till then.

Can I not be ever Evergreen?

2011-07-21T18:48:00.002+08:00

Source: Anonymous

What's a Meantime Girl?

She's the one you call when you're bored because she makes you laugh. She's the one you talk to when you're feeling down because she's willing to lend an ear and be a friend.

She's not the one you call when you need a date to your company's Christmas party, or to go dancing with on a Saturday night. She's the one you spend time with between girlfriends, before you find "The One". You know, the one who you keep around in the meantime.

She's not one of the guys, not a tomboy, but you don't look at her as a "real" woman, either. She's not bitchy enough, moody enough, or sexy enough to be seen in that light. She's too laid-back, too easily amused by the same things your male buddies are amused by. She's too understanding, too comfortable.

She doesn't make you feel nervous or excited the way a "real" woman does. But she's cool, and nice, and funny, and attractive enough that when you're lonely or horny and need intimate female companionship, she'll do just fine. You don't have to wine and dine her because she knows the real you already, and you don't have any facades to keep up, no pretenses to preserve.

You're not trying to get anything of substance out of her. She's not easy, but you know that she cares about you and is attracted to you, and that she'll give you the intimacy you need. And you know you don't have to explain yourself or the situation, that she'll be able to cope with the fact that this isn't the beginning of a relationship or that there's any possibility that you have any real romantic feelings for her.

It won't bother her that you'll get up in the morning, put on your pants, say goodbye, and go on a date with the woman you've been mooning over for weeks who finally agreed to go out with you. She'll settle for a goodbye hug and a promise to call her and tell her how the date went. She's just so cool . . . why can't all women be like that?!

But deep down, if you really think about it (which you probably don't because to you, the situation between the two of you isn't important enough to merit any real thought), you know that it's really not fair. You know that although she would never say it, it hurts her to know that despite all her good points and all the fun you two have, you don't think she's good enough to spend any real time with. Sure, it's mostly her fault, because she doesn't have to give in to your needs.

She could play the hard-to-get bitch like the rest of them do, if she really wanted to. But you and she both know that she probably couldn't pull it off. Maybe she's too short, or a little overweight, or has a big birthmark on her forehead, or works at Taco Bell.

Whatever the reason, somehow life has given her a lot of really great qualities but has left out the ones that men want (or think they want) in a woman. So she remains forever the funny friend, the steadfast companion, the secret lover, and you go on searching for your goddess who will somehow be everything you ever wanted in a woman.

You'll joke to her that she should be the best man at your wedding, and she'll laugh and make a joke about a smelly rental tux. She doesn't captivate you with her beauty, or open doors with her smile. Mainly she blends in with the crowd. She's safe. She doesn't want to be the center of attention and turn the heads of everyone in the room. But she wants to turn someone's head. She wants to be special to someone, too. We all do.

She has feelings. She has a heart. In fact, she probably has a bigger and better heart than any woman you've ever known because she's had a front-row seat to The Mess That Is Your Life, and she likes you anyway. She obviously sees something worthwhile and redeeming in you because although you've given her nothing, absolutely no reason to still be around, she is.

Made-up Myth: Second Rape

2011-07-20T22:56:00.004+08:00

Work is done. I'm enjoying my long deserved holiday break now.

Sumhow, it always feels like this, the supposedly super long breaks after Os and As ended up not so long in the end. Partly because, I would always take on temp jobs, leaving the last few weeks to slack off at home. More precisely put, I find myself not as well rested as compared to those short breaks in between sch terms, but at the same time, this might very well be the most fruitful, self-fulfiling holiday.

Been reading A Love Transaction without Overcharging at Mangafox and I find the last story very insightful. It's a serious story about the effects of rape. Wakana is a shy and unspectacular girl who has been text messaging the spectacular Taku for three months. Suddenly, Taku suggests that they meet, and when they do... he rapes her. Wakana goes to the police, only to go through "second rape" -- the doubts of others who think she brought it on herself.

Kinda reminds me why is it that Psychology/Psychiatry has been what I wanted to pursue for as long as I could rmb. I wouldn't say that I've been through a lot in life because I've know of others who have been through deep shits I can't begin to compare to. Perhaps, because I have a hypersensorised Neocortex brain coupled with my personality, it takes a lot of courage for me to do sth which I perviously had a bad encounter with.

Had very much went through what's known as a "second rape" last yr. Recalling past events rings a pain as raw as yesterday. It felt like my pleas were falling on deaf ears. All that half hearted answers from outsiders who obviously dunno how it feels like to be in my shoes..

But if there's one thing I'm grateful of, it would be my mum. It was the 1st time, I felt, that she actually took the time and effort to really understand me.

Is it just me, or, does all Interns in Track V ( I'm not so sure about the rest) carry with them a sort of burden, a scar or a past which they desperately try to forget?

Oh God, all the good things I'm experiencing now, are you trying to make it up? Or trying to tell me tt things shouldn't be taken for granted? Because every now and then when I'm having fun, I caught a glimsp of my past and rmb how life hasn't always been liddat.

All majors are equal, but some are more equal

2011-06-19T21:40:00.005+08:00

I'm going back Pathlight tmr and this time round it will be for exactly 1 month. 一个月之后,不管愿不愿意都必须离开了。

Wonders what is it that keeps me going, and loving this job of mine despite its long working hours and stressing deadlines. & I admit somedays when I wasn't exactly in a good mood, when I felt as though my personal space had been intruded or when I lost my patience with the students, giving up seemed to be an easier option. But the fact that I choose to stay in PL for another 1 month means sth. I might very well be following the crowd as I had always done but I think there's more to it, sth I couldn't quite put to words.

I can't believe I have devoted majority of my time after As to PL, but I'm happy as it is. No regrets. :)

2 weeks worth of break is very much needed. Catching up with friends and family, doing shopping, settling uni adms or simply staying at home spending some lone time.

School's starting in Aug and to be frank, I'm scared out of my wits. Human factors are one thing, future career prospects are another and not to say interests.

But even up to now, I'm still not sure of what I really want. Do I really like it? & it really doesn't sounds cool graduating with a general Sci degree which till now I'm still unsure of where I can get with it. Sure, I know of many ppl who work on a field different from their study, but my circumstances doesn't allow me to go on post graduate study and the option of switching to another major if I don't like my current one is almost out of question.

Well, not entirely impossible but I figured out that I need to spare a thought for my parents who are turning 60 in 5 years time and I can't possibly expect them to slog their guts out to pay for my fees even at that age.

The standard protocol states that education should not be restricted just because you dun have the financial means to afford it. If only tt's true... then why are there ppl who scored not as well, but still able to study prestigious courses like medicine and law overseas just because they are rich. Because as far as I'm concerned, I can't.

Maybe it's from seeing some of my friends striving so hard to do what they want, what they like it freaks me out. I'm only 19, I can't see myself in the future, even if it's sth of an interest to me now, there's no gurantee that I wouldn't lose interst halfway, vice versa.

what do i really want? What.am.I.set.out.to.do?

For now, I willed myself into leaving this in God's hands. I know You know, I know You do.

And I thought that we would always, always be together

2011-06-18T13:37:00.003+08:00

U&I

If you're not around I can't do anything
I long for the taste of your cooking
So when you get back home
I'm gonna glomp you with a great big smile

If you're not around I can't take it anymore
I long for the sound of your voice
Just being able to see you smile that would mean everything to me

Simply being by my side you've always given me the courage
I wanna be with you forever and a day
I wanna tell you that this is how I feel

Whether under the sun or under the rain
You were always there when I needed you
Whenever I close my eyes I could see your smile shining brightly

If you're not around I don't know what to do
Where's the sugar and soy sauce?
And I was hoping that I could surprise you
When you come home

I think I've been spoiled too much
Because you're too good to me
You gave me so many things that I can't even get to pay you back

All the while I took your existence for granted
And I thought that we would always, always be together
As days go by

I'm sorry only now that I realized
That it really isn't the case

So to start things off I have to tell you these two words
"Thank you"

Will they go straight to your heart?
I'm not so sure of myself right now but
Don't laugh, okay? Please listen to me
'Cause I'm gonna put all my feelings into this song

I would like to give you every ounce of my gratitude
And send it to you through this song
This is a feeling I will never, ever forget

Dedicated to U

I might very well be the one at fault but there's no need to exclude me like that.

2011-06-17T21:49:00.003+08:00

How very cruel.

I sometimes wonder why is it so hard to love some humans and at the same time so easy to love some others.

Purple dreams

2011-06-17T20:40:00.002+08:00

I'm starting to think that God is real

2011-06-16T18:18:00.003+08:00

Last night or rather ysd, while thinking about uni stuffs, my heart was suddenly overwhelmed by fear, by a presuure so stifling it felt like my heart was gonna break into pieces. I started tearing and wallowing in self pity which was ugly because I know I shouldn't be crying when many out there are still struggling to enter a local uni and here I am, accepted into NUS science, offered NTU biomedical sci and TCM DDP and still being such a whim.

I was very much struck by this familiar taste of defeat.

I have always been such a girl, thought I had grown or became stronger over the yrs but everytime something happened, I'll revert to my old self, running away from problems because I just dun have the courage to face the problem.

I have always wished that this heart of mine can grow stronger. Strong enough to ignore those glances, those judgements which probably have some basis in them or simply those words set up to hurt. Strong enought to stand for my right.

& everytime I cry, I feel as though I'm so totally "weak", so alone. Because the world we live in is no fairytale, no prince or anyone for tt matter will come and save you.

Still, I could never fanthom why I deserve such awesomeness in life.

Saw Aubrey's text which shows me how shallow I am. Maybe I've long accepted the AJ culture (at least back in my class), for most part, we function as individuals. There's no obligation, no benefits to help, it's only expected that any right minded person would see no reason to help when it gives no rewards but invites potential trouble which again very much repeats the vicious cycle ---- being the one in deep shit and realised nobody's gonna lend you a helping hand.

I'm not claiming that I'm oh-so-great because I dun do the above but ............

There no coincidence, only inevitability. It sounds a lot like bullshit but on second thought, maybe it really is, that everything happens for a reason.

I think Pathlight happen for a reason. Interning at this place, assigned to Track V, meeting and forging friendships with awesome girls and guys. I think I got a hold of an important emotion.

I can oso never express how grateful I am to my parents for bringing me up the way I am . Sometimes I picture myself being brought up in a less well-off family background and I would see myself as Hachi from NANA. It's not like she's a bad girl. She just have so much insecurities and fear in her, she end up screwing her life.

Pray with utmost faith. I think I just got my answer.

Miss the days we used to have teatime tgt

2011-06-15T17:09:00.002+08:00

Most beautiful goal. Perfect. :)

Lilium

2011-04-16T00:16:00.002+08:00

Sometimes it's so easy and effortless. it comes through clear and loud. Other times you try and you try, yet you don't hear a single thing.

I dun know why, but I think this quote makes so much sense.

你那莫名其妙的吸引力，总让我心跳加数

2011-04-06T20:00:00.001+08:00

& that's that. :)

Life and How to Survive It

2011-03-27T17:13:00.004+08:00

Below is a speech to the graduating class of 2008 at NTU convocation ceremony last week by Adrian Tan, a litigation lawyer and the author of The Teenage Textbook.

I must say thank you to the faculty and staff of the Wee Kim Wee School of Communication and Information for inviting me to give your convocation address. It’s a wonderful honour and a privilege for me to speak here for ten minutes without fear of contradiction, defamation or retaliation. I say this as a Singaporean and more so as a husband.

My wife is a wonderful person and perfect in every way except one. She is the editor of a magazine. She corrects people for a living. She has honed her expert skills over a quarter of a century, mostly by practising at home during conversations between her and me.

On the other hand, I am a litigator. Essentially, I spend my day telling people how wrong they are. I make my living being disagreeable.

Nevertheless, there is perfect harmony in our matrimonial home. That is because when an editor and a litigator have an argument, the one who triumphs is always the wife.

And so I want to start by giving one piece of advice to the men: when you’ve already won her heart, you don’t need to win every argument.

Marriage is considered one milestone of life. Some of you may already be married. Some of you may never be married. Some of you will be married. Some of you will enjoy the experience so much, you will be married many, many times. Good for you.

The next big milestone in your life is today: your graduation. The end of education. You’re done learning.

You’ve probably been told the big lie that “Learning is a lifelong process” and that therefore you will continue studying and taking masters’ degrees and doctorates and professorships and so on.

You know the sort of people who tell you that? Teachers. Don’t you think there is some measure of conflict of interest? They are in the business of learning, after all. Where would they be without you? They need you to be repeat customers.

The good news is that they’re wrong.

The bad news is that you don’t need further education because your entire life is over. It is gone. That may come as a shock to some of you. You’re in your teens or early twenties. People may tell you that you will live to be 70, 80, 90 years old. That is your life expectancy.

I love that term: life expectancy.

We all understand the term to mean the average life span of a group of people. But I’m here to talk about a bigger idea, which is what you expect from your life.

You may be very happy to know that Singapore is currently ranked as the country with the third highest life expectancy. We are behind Andorra and Japan, and tied with San Marino. It seems quite clear why people in those countries, and ours, live so long. We share one thing in common: our football teams are all hopeless.

There’s very little danger of any of our citizens having their pulses raised by watching us play in the World Cup. Spectators are more likely to be lulled into a gentle and restful nap.

Singaporeans have a life expectancy of 81.8 years. Singapore men live to an average of 79.21 years, while Singapore women live more than five years longer, probably to take into account the additional time they need to spend in the bathroom.

So here you are, in your twenties, thinking that you’ll have another 40 years to go. Four decades in which to live long and prosper.

Bad news. Read the papers. There are people dropping dead when they’re 50, 40, 30 years old. Or quite possibly just after finishing their convocation. They would be very disappointed that they didn’t meet their life expectancy.

I’m here to tell you this. Forget about your life expectancy. After all, it’s calculated based on an average.

And you never, ever want to expect being average.

Revisit those expectations. You might be looking forward to working, falling in love, marrying, raising a family. You are told that, as graduates, you should expect to find a job paying so much, where your hours are so much, where your responsibilities are so much.

That is what is expected of you. And if you live up to it, it will be an awful waste. If you expect that, you will be limiting yourself.

You will be living your life according to boundaries set by average people. I have nothing against average people. But no one should aspire to be them. And you don’t need years of education by the best minds in Singapore to prepare you to be average.

What you should prepare for is mess. Life’s a mess.

You are not entitled to expect anything from it. Life is not fair. Everything does not balance out in the end. Life happens, and you have no control over it. Good and bad things happen to you day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment. Your degree is a poor armour against fate. Don’t expect anything. Erase all life expectancies. Just live. Your life is over as of today. At this point in time, you have grown as tall as you will ever be, you are physically the fittest you will ever be in your entire life and you are probably looking the best that you will ever look. This is as good as it gets. It is all downhill from here. Or up. No one knows.

What does this mean for you?It is good that your life is over.

Since your life is over, you are free. Let me tell you the many wonderful things that you can do when you are free.

The most important is this: do not work.

Work is anything that you are compelled to do. By its very nature, it is undesirable. Work kills. The Japanese have a term “Karoshi”, which means death from overwork. That’s the most dramatic form of how work can kill. But it can also kill you in more subtle ways. If you work, then day by day, bit by bit, your soul is chipped away, disintegrating until there’s nothing left. A rock has been ground into sand and dust. There’s a common misconception that work is necessary. You will meet people working at miserable jobs. They tell you they are “making a living”. No, they’re not. They’re dying, frittering away their fast-extinguishing lives doing things which are, at best, meaningless and, at worst, harmful.

People will tell you that work ennobles you, that work lends you a certain dignity. Work makes you free. The slogan "Arbeit macht frei" was placed at the entrances to a number of Nazi concentration camps. Utter nonsense.

Do not waste the vast majority of your life doing something you hate so that you can spend the small remainder sliver of your life in modest comfort. You may never reach that end anyway.

Resist the temptation to get a job. Instead, play. Find something you enjoy doing. Do it. Over and over again. You will become good at it for two reasons: you like it, and you do it often. Soon, that will have value in itself.

I like arguing, and I love language. So, I became a litigator. I enjoy it and I would do it for free. If I didn’t do that, I would’ve been in some other type of work that still involved writing fiction – probably a sports journalist.

So what should you do? You will find your own niche. I don’t imagine you will need to look very hard. By this time in your life, you will have a very good idea of what you will want to do. In fact, I’ll go further and say the ideal situation would be that you will not be able to stop yourself pursuing your passions. By this time you should know what your obsessions are. If you enjoy showing off your knowledge and feeling superior, you might become a teacher.

Find that pursuit that will energise you, consume you, become an obsession. Each day, you must rise with a restless enthusiasm. If you don’t, you are working.

Most of you will end up in activities which involve communication. To those of you I have a second message: be wary of the truth. I’m not asking you to speak it, or write it, for there are times when it is dangerous or impossible to do those things. The truth has a great capacity to offend and injure, and you will find that the closer you are to someone, the more care you must take to disguise or even conceal the truth. Often, there is great virtue in being evasive, or equivocating. There is also great skill. Any child can blurt out the truth, without thought to the consequences. It takes great maturity to appreciate the value of silence.

In order to be wary of the truth, you must first know it. That requires great frankness to yourself. Never fool the person in the mirror.

I have told you that your life is over, that you should not work, and that you should avoid telling the truth. I now say this to you: be hated.

It’s not as easy as it sounds. Do you know anyone who hates you? Yet every great figure who has contributed to the human race has been hated, not just by one person, but often by a great many. That hatred is so strong it has caused those great figures to be shunned, abused, murdered and in one famous instance, nailed to a cross.

One does not have to be evil to be hated. In fact, it’s often the case that one is hated precisely because one is trying to do right by one’s own convictions. It is far too easy to be liked, one merely has to be accommodating and hold no strong convictions. Then one will gravitate towards the centre and settle into the average. That cannot be your role. There are a great many bad people in the world, and if you are not offending them, you must be bad yourself. Popularity is a sure sign that you are doing something wrong.

The other side of the coin is this: fall in love.

I didn’t say “be loved”. That requires too much compromise. If one changes one’s looks, personality and values, one can be loved by anyone.

Rather, I exhort you to love another human being. It may seem odd for me to tell you this. You may expect it to happen naturally, without deliberation. That is false. Modern society is anti-love. We’ve taken a microscope to everyone to bring out their flaws and shortcomings. It far easier to find a reason not to love someone, than otherwise. Rejection requires only one reason. Love requires complete acceptance. It is hard work – the only kind of work that I find palatable.

Loving someone has great benefits. There is admiration, learning, attraction and something which, for the want of a better word, we call happiness. In loving someone, we become inspired to better ourselves in every way. We learn the truth worthlessness of material things. We celebrate being human. Loving is good for the soul.

Loving someone is therefore very important, and it is also important to choose the right person. Despite popular culture, love doesn’t happen by chance, at first sight, across a crowded dance floor. It grows slowly, sinking roots first before branching and blossoming. It is not a silly weed, but a mighty tree that weathers every storm. You will find, that when you have someone to love, that the face is less important than the brain, and the body is less important than the heart.

You will also find that it is no great tragedy if your love is not reciprocated. You are not doing it to be loved back. Its value is to inspire you.

Finally, you will find that there is no half-measure when it comes to loving someone. You either don’t, or you do with every cell in your body, completely and utterly, without reservation or apology. It consumes you, and you are reborn, all the better for it.

Don’t work. Avoid telling the truth. Be hated. Love someone.

You’re going to have a busy life.

Thank goodness there’s no life expectancy.

Fleeting Thoughts

2011-02-21T21:47:00.003+08:00

"Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it."

-Terry Pratchett

Sumhow or rather, I really felt like going abroad to pursue my degree. I haven decide on a course yet but probably health sciences or sth related to the medical line. ( NOT medicine, partly because my grades will never make it and the thought of studying another 7-9years worth of biology alone is horribly dreadful )

A change of culture. A change of perspective. If only I can just abandon things here in Singapore.

Voices of a Distant Star

2011-01-02T23:32:00.004+08:00

Thought I'd share this video. :)

We all have to pull the trigger at one point

2011-01-02T20:50:00.003+08:00

I gave up activivating and deactivating my Facebook account for real. Simply because, it gets annoying after awhile.

I deactivated my Facebook account somewhere in May last year, only activating it after the A's. ( largely due to boredom but also because I'm curious about how my friends look like in their prom outfits.) After which, I've been shuttling between the activated and deactivated mode.

So when people asked me why I 'deleted' Facebook back then, I'd give them half-hearted answers like it's distracting, useless, or I wanna concentrate on As. The closest real answer I gave was to sc, "Facebook makes me feel exposed". He had a puzzled look on his face but didn't pursue further and I didn't bother elaborating on the subject matter lest it becomes too personal.

I admit, Facebook makes me a tad unease. It's like I'm being peered inside and I don't appreciate that part about it. I have nothing to hide. ( just an ordinary JC girl spending most her time studying and hanging out occasionally) But people change as time changes, relationships strain and friendships fade but the past remains the same. & I don't need Facebook to remind me of memories which doesn't even hold true anymore, especially when these records does nth but add salt to the wound.

It is not terrifying to know sorrow. Terrifying is to know you can't go back to happiness you could have

2010-12-04T00:25:00.005+08:00

When was it, i wonder, that I started isolating myself from others.

I used to be terrified of loneliness. The uncertainty which accompanies it, which clouds my judgement and washes my defenses before I'm aware of it.

It's a horrible feeling, shuffling between 2 sides of the coins, behaving differently towards different ppl at a different time and setting... & trying to keep up with those whispers of false promises that sounds so nice, yet sickeningly sweet at the same time.

Your lost sense of self and the real you dilemma

Because I know, there's no forever and ever, tt's why I find it comforting to be self-reliant. At the very least, there's no need to live up to social expectations.

There's a firm ray of hope.

It's halcyon days, once again. :)

"She loves you because she fails to understand you."

2010-07-30T23:29:00.005+08:00

'… alone in my house, I have come to realize that destiny can hurt a person as much as it can bless him, and I find myself wondering why—out of all the people in all the world I could ever have loved—I had to fall in love with someone who was taken away from me.' -Message in a Bottle

"She loves you because she fails to understand you."

It's a more practical way of saying "Love is blind". It's similar to the way moths are attracted to the flame, mystical, warm and that general sense of thrill and danger that makes your heart pump wildly against your chest. In a way, I could well understand why girls are attracted to dangerous guys, despite knowing the possibility of getting their hearts broken at the end of the day. It's a childish/girlish fantasy fulfilled, however darkly. It sucks to know that humans, despite their complexities, are emotional beings rather than rational ones.

And maybe, that's the reason why I find short-lived romance tragically beautiful at the same time. If love dies with death, then their love could be said to have ended in its purest form where everything seemed perfect as they failed to completely understand each other.

In a way, death seems better than ending up in a divorce.

2010-06-08T17:40:00.003+08:00

I'll set you free so pls overcome your hatred
I'm grateful for the times we spent tgt
But even if I lose everything, I can't let you take away everything I'm supposed to protect

I'm about to lose everything..
Let it all go..
Anger, hatred, sadness..
You aren't me, You aren't a part of me.
And I'll let you go,
You were a part me
Your beauty, the strenght you gave me, the times we spent tgt in the past
I'll give it all up for it has forced both of us to carry a very heavy burden.

So long.

-Rukia

The orginal sin, was held tightly by these hands.

2010-05-30T23:39:00.002+08:00

I'll tell you what the end of the world will be like.

It will be a final moment, both terrible and heartbreaking, absolute chaos. People running as fast as they ever can, cars filling every road and freeway. Phone lines backed up trying to process millions of calls. Fingers flying over keyboards, thumbs texting like rapid fire, long lines of people trying to cram themselves into subways and areaplanes. All of them trying to tell someone,

"I love you."

I can't smile, not when things have gone so horribly wrong.

2010-05-29T10:54:00.002+08:00

What is an eternity?
Eternal life. Eternal love. Eternal flow of time. Instinctively, they all seem wonderful but in reality they are also cruel. An eternity is like the flow of an endless river, without something to hold on to, the river takes you, drowns you.

Hell, is one eternity.

Rainbows of Sins

2010-04-11T23:53:00.001+08:00

Because if you dun do something, you simply end up overwhelmed by everything that is happening.

It's bewildering how humans behave, or rather chose to behave. We have been regarded as homo sapiens - "wise man" and oft told that we are of a higher status compared to animals, precisely because of our ability to think, to be self conscious, to experience tugs at heart strings. Animals operates so much easier: they are bound by their instincts and their feelings are physical sensations, not the emotional states such as we experience. And because we are not bound by our instincts, it became possible for us to understand and sacrifice for the sake of others. It's really easy, when someone is facing difficulties, you lend them a helping hand. When a friend, is crying, you ask them, "What happened?". To speak up for the weak, to stand up for the right cause, to laugh even when it's so painful inside...

Then, if humans are able to do so, why is it that many chose to sit on the fence? If we are able but aren't doing it, then the only reason would be we lack the courage to do so.

But that doesn't exclude the fact that we have sinned even if we did nothing.

It pricks my heart to know that even as people operates under the name of "mutal friends", there are many who simply chose to play ignorance, when they can do so much to ease their friends' pain. The sin of omission, is a game both innocent yet merciless.

To not speak up for the weak under the excuse of not having enough courage... That innocence is evil. To turn your eyes from the truth. To not realise that foolishness. You gain a peaceful and gentle time. That is the hope. And at the same time, sin. A deceiful heart. The perceived overflowing "kindness". The sins pile up. Sin...

It's a sin because you stop. The truth cannot be changed. Time will not let you stay because one day, your sins will wash over you.

Sanbantai Taicho

2010-04-05T18:15:00.008+08:00

KYAAA! It's been a Gin-tastic week! Gin's finally making a comeback. Now now, I can't wait for Friday to see what exactly is his bankai ability. :DDDDDD
Oh, and I seriously hope that Gin wouldn't die. I want him to go and save Rangiku!

Okay, and this is really funny.

2010-03-22T23:35:00.001+08:00

The view I see now is the same as yesterday.
The street I walk on is still the same.
But my whole world has changed.
I definitely cannot smile like that again.
Who I was up until yesterday, will never show up again.

Steph makes sound sense.
"Why would you like it if someone ignores you, bitches about you, and what's more when you used to be friends once upon a time, like really really good friends."

尽力了那么多，发现最终最无辜的受害者是我。

Shirota Yuu!

2010-03-12T20:15:00.002+08:00

Kawaii desu ne? :)

I can smell on you, the scent of sunshine more than blood

2010-03-06T23:03:00.004+08:00

And from there, the sun sets and dusk takes over. Day seeps into night but a heart remains in turmoil.

Pretty much sums up the days in my life now.

What if, what if...

Scarlet-Colored Labyrinth

2010-02-07T22:04:00.003+08:00

BuriMyu as we know it ends tomorrow, senshuraku will be at 5pm tmr and likely for good. :(
I wonder though, if anyone I know is a fan of BuriMyu.

I hate mondays really, it has always been that way since young. For me, mondays always seem to go with mundane. I dislike school life, I dislike the rigid schedule I have to stick to every single day... but most of all I dislike the big crowds in school. Just staying amidst the crowds makes me feel sad. Have you ever experience the feeling of lonliness despite being surrounded by lots of people. Have you ever thought that it would be possible to attend a party when everyone's so high, the atmosphere's so full but it makes ur heart so empty at the same time? The feeling of not belonging to a particular place, like a fish out of the water, even when the land is all dry and comfortable, the warmth is suffocating. No one's at fault to begin with, the fox thrives at night, but the chrysanthemum needs sunlight to survive.

Right now though, going to school gives me that same emotionally suffocating feeling. It's dreadful but at the same time can't be helped. Hopefully, things will turn better when there's no afternoon P.E. after NAPHA.

I could rmb the exact no. of clouds on that day

2010-01-26T20:49:00.004+08:00

I want the music scoresheet for said song above! *squeals*

Come this Feburary/March, it would be officially 1 year since I quit organ, something I had be playing for the past 9 years up till last year. I quitted right before college school term began. It wasn't a rash decision, I had been thinking abt it since Sec 3, but I just haven had the guts to do it till then. For someone who had lost her love for organ, quitting was probably a good thing. It was the very least I could do to show some form of respect towards the instrument I play.

For my parents, it was probably good news to not continue having to carry the burden of paying those hefty monthly fees. But I could rmb my feelings shifting constantly between that of anxiety, relectance and relief as I filled up the withdrawal form.

Even so, the music world is really one worth exploring into. & as far as I'm concerned, the journey continues.

MEGABEST JOKES

2010-01-22T22:44:00.001+08:00

cited from MEGABEST JOKES

Ah Beng went for a job interview for a sales job. When the manager saw Ah Beng's colourful attire, his mind is shouting "not this man"

However he still had to entertain Ah Beng.

Therefore, he told Ah Beng "If you could form a sentence using the words i give you then maybe i will give u a chance! the words are 'Green, Pink, Yellow, Blue , White, Purple, Black'."

Ah Beng tot for a while and said, "I heard the phone went Green Green, then i went to Pink up the phone and said, Yellow. Blue's tt? White did u say? Aiyah, wrong no. Do not Purplely disturb n do not call Black ok? You kena sai."

No further qns, he got the job.

A Special Kind of Joy

2010-01-22T22:21:00.003+08:00

Recently, it has become a special kind of joy to pen down my thoughts, a special kind of joy to bathe myself in the silence of the night, a special kind of joy to be just alone. :)

Fur Louisa

2010-01-21T21:01:00.004+08:00

Today kinda sucks, and perhaps, the days to come might be even suckier. But...

Look. We both know life is short. Too short to waste a single second with anyone who doesn’t appreciate and value you.

歌曲：安静
你要我说多难堪我根本不想分开
为什么还要我用微笑来带过
我没有这种天份包容你也接受他
不用担心的太多我会一直好好过

你已经远远离开我也会慢慢走开
为什么我连分开都迁就著你
我真的没有天份安静的没这么快
我会学著放弃你是因为我太爱你

晃了一大圈, 最终, 我们真的没有这种天份,包容他也接受他们

Auntie Meena

2010-01-18T20:49:00.004+08:00

Suprisingly, afternoon PE was kinda fun today. I was trying so hard to hold back my laughter because I found it uber funny that Mr Alex Lee kept calling Meena, auntie. All just because she was having trouble doing push up. LOL

Live Bankai Show code 003

2010-01-17T22:59:00.003+08:00

So it's finally here, Last friday was the 1st day though. And strangely, I was excited even though I wouldn't be going for the show. PS, its not like I dun want to, I can't. If I could, I would love to fly over to Jap and see for myself the last BuriMyu with the original cast.

As a result I wound up not concentrating in lectures because half the time, I was thinking about BuriMyu, like "ah, those ppl must be having real fun right now!"

No Clouds in the Blue Heavens

2010-01-07T17:53:00.005+08:00

“I think the world really boils down to two types of people - those who see shapes in cloud formations, and those who just see clouds.” - Danzae Pace

Picture by: Life Reflections ♥ (Lila)

The Scent of the Falling Rain at Summer’s End

2010-01-05T15:34:00.011+08:00

You know, I think I just see another side of Tsuchiya-san, one which sets him apart from his usual loud obnoxious character, that is when he's perfoming on stage in front of his audiences. But recently as I read trough his blog's past entries, I found out that he's not actually as heck care as he seems. In fact, in more ways than one, he's a really sincere person. FYI, Tsuchiya-san is a Japanese stage actor and he plays my fav Ichimaru Gin in Rock Musical Bleach. Okay, he's not as good looking as Jpop singers from KATUN, but sumhow he just appeals to people. Maybe this has got to do with actors, since acting is their professionalism, they sumhow lose their sense of self. But for Tsuchiya-san to be able to keep up his sense of self despite being an actor is something worthy of admiration.

03/13/06 [12:56 AM]: Cigarettes
I’ve always loved the changing seasons.
The scent blowing around now is so much like Spring, making one think, “Oh, it’ll be Spring really soon now~

For me, I love the scent of the falling rain at Summer’s end.
But, lately, I haven’t been able to sense that scent much.
And I believe that reason lies…in my smoking habit.
It’s so sa~ad…

When I first came to Tokyo, because it was Tokyo, because of the atmosphere there, I thought that was the reason,
But lately I’m coming to realize that it’s these things’ fault.
Similarly, I’ve become unable to take too deep a breath as well.

I’ve been hanging around with these guys since I was 15 years old, 12 years now.
When I was younger, it was kind of a thrill to sneak off for a smoke, and even now passing the intermission in the smoking room is enjoyable.

Last December, during Kyoudai Donburi, I thought about quitting for the first time.
But I was told by some people that there was no point in quitting, and little by little I started believing them.

Even though I thought about quitting, it was probably useless.
Because I’ve thought that way up til now, I haven’t really considered quitting.
But recently I read Matsumoto Hitoshi’s “Testament,” and he blew away that thought.

It wasn’t like he wrote, “Cigarettes sure are great,” or “Smoke cigarettes!” It was a pretty bad column, but I decided to keep on smoking. I didn’t have a reason really, just did it.

I, who couldn’t decide to quit, was seeking some reason NOT to quit, that’s what I think now.
But I’m sure I want to quit someday now.

PS, Tsuchiya-san later went back and added the following
I understand that it's bad for my body, that I'm taking a risk by doing it.
When smoking becomes completely useless to me, I'll quit.
I've also thought about the risk I'm taking in writing about smoking here.

My dance moves are slipping, and I’m losing my breath during my action scenes, So I don’t really have a reason, but when I quit, that time will be, for me, my “changing of the seasons.”

I have always got a rather bad impression of smokers, a one track opinion which says, "smokers are bad people." Perhaps, its because I've always been hanging around with non-smokers, so I haven really get to know what a smoker really thinks. Have they ever regretted smoking? And why is it that some continue to smoke despite knowing the risks associated with it? Tsuchiya-san's entry made me realise that it's sth more than addiction. Take the Internet for instance, we surf the Internet continuously for hours, for a reason more than addiction. In my case, it reminds me that I'm alive in the sense that, despite all the dread in life, there's at least a glimpse of fun and entertainment. Sumhow, it gives me the strength I need to pull thru another day. I wonder if its the same for smokers.

Pls dun get me wrong. I'm definitely not promoting smoking here. I'll be looking forward to the day where Tsuchiya-san quit smoking, for I know at least for him, it requires more than courage itself.

It's kinda unfortunate when you think about it, that Singapore is a place with no 4 seasons. The scent of the falling rain at summer's end, it's a scent I would like to know.

New Year’s Day

2010-01-01T15:13:00.003+08:00

“We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year’s Day.” - Edith Lovejoy Pierce

It's 2010! If possible, I'll try my very best to update more frequently this yr.

In 2010, I just want to be happy (II)

2009-12-31T23:39:00.004+08:00

Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow" -----Mary Anne Radmacher

As I type this, it is 20 minutes to 12midnight, to 2010. So then, as usual, I guess I would do a cinematic record on the significant events which happen in 2009.

Entering college had been a turning point in my life. It was probably a mistake to enroll in AJ and many times I'd wonder where I would be now had I work a little harder during O levels. Probably AJ, probably not. But the point is, I did ended up in AJ, forced out of my comfort zone and met ppl coming from different sec schools with different personalities and characteristics. I believe that sec schools play the biggest role in shaping our metalities and attitudes towards many things in life, which makes it difficult for college freshmen like us to have a common viewpoint. I hate it when I got into 18/09 because there were no andersonians, no familiar faces to rely upon in a foreign setting. In AJ, afternoon PE's a dread but PW was even more of an ass.

Still, I was leading a relatively good life up until the end of October. But because of what happened, I came to appreciate my dearest family, Manisha, Yiying, Jingqiu, Yuxuan, Sam, Baoyi, Niantee, Louisa, Jingyi and Mingchien more than ever.

I think I changed. I think I become apathetic towards life. I turned a blind eye to many things even though I'm more aware than anyone of the situation. I choose to indulge myself in ignorant bliss (maybe not so much bliss really) while sitting on the fence because I thought it would save me from all the troubles and pains. I'm really selfish, aren't I?

My 2009 ended with a sour note. & given the chaotic mess of social faux pas which entangles my life and with dead knots everywhere, 2010's really full of uncertainties. I did be lying if I say I'm not scared.

But whatever it is, in 2010, I (really) just want to be happy. :)

PS, Sumtimes, I can't help but have this uncanny thought. That if it comes down to it, who will X chose to forsake? & should that person be me, I'm not too sure if I'm capable to put on a strong front, smile while saying, " It's okay, I understand."

In 2010, I just want to be happy

2009-12-31T16:39:00.007+08:00

Courtesy of crazygreeneye

Ahhh, was down with horrible cramps last night and ended up sleeping only at 5am. Too tired to bother about the pain then.

The last remaining day of 2009, how should I go about spending it?

What do you wish for on a snowy night?

2009-12-27T17:15:00.000+08:00

The Melancholy of FSCL

2009-12-24T21:41:00.005+08:00

Right now, with no apparent reasons, I feel a little melancholic.
I used to not understand why "a life with no troubles, is indeed a very troubling one". But now, I do.

On a side note, maybe I should watched my words more the next time I'm out with friends and others. I really do believe tt "the pen is mightier than the sword",that no matter what words you might speak, within them lies a certain power. With words you can hurt others, and with words you can heal them. It irks me to think that sometimes the words I shot out effortlessly from my mouth might actually inflict pain upon others.

私が覚えて, that horrible blood-stained childhood I've been through. I'd kept them locked up in some corner of my mind, until ysd, when Louisa and I were brought up the topic on childhood. A thick mist has been cleared, while suprisingly, the hidden memories surfaced as vividly as before. And for once in a long while, they came back to huant me just a little.

Have you heard of this? That the moment you say the phrase, "I want to be this way," that wish is half granted?All that remains is to fulfill the remaining half. Mouths are there for speaking.Words are there for speaking. So that we can say what we think. It sounds simple, but it can be an unexpected assistance to yourself. Because when we speak, it's half to ourselves anyways.

Bleach Musical is LOVE!

2009-11-22T15:36:00.004+08:00

Bleach Rock Musical. That's basically how I spent my week.

I really really love musicals. I like the way the cast members sing each and every song. Their voices are overflowing with emotions and messages those songs are trying to convey. I'm a Bleach Fanatic, & a very crazy one at that.

So there, after watching the musicals, I kinda develope an interest in the entertainment industry. As far as I'm concerned, joining the entertainment industry will make my life alot more exciting and enjoyable since I've always been enthralled in aesthetics and its wonders. Then again, holding an office job, though lacking in excitement, earns u an honest, decent, stable income in which the risky entertainment sector does not offer.

And so, I ponder once again.

When darkness next consumes the moon

2009-10-30T21:59:00.002+08:00

The night of new moon always seems so dull and depressing. It's as though the moon chose to seek shelter away from the dark glommy sky.

Her quivering, her tear filled voice brought back a nearly forgotten sad case in my mind.

Hearts

2009-10-29T15:23:00.003+08:00

A tender heart which reaches for love and understanding, is often the easiest to break.

Hearts that are open and trusting are usually the ones that are wounded the most

Hearts that give so little, hearts that demand love be constantly proved, hearts that are always manipulating and self-serving, do not get wounded, because there is nothing to wound.

They go about breaking other hearts and trampling on the fragile souls who touch their lives,simply becuase they are so thick and dull at heart themselves and they think everyone should be just as they are.

What has happened is a very common ailment among mankind, the way of human nature. Being right or wrong means absolutely nothing at this point.

Goodbye Halcyon Days

2009-09-25T23:36:00.005+08:00

There were a lot of things I wanna do
I wanted to be a techer, an astronaut, and a baker..
I wanted to go to a bunch of different donut shop and ask for one of everything
I wanted to tell the ice cream man to give me one of everything, too!
I wished I have five lives.
Then I could have been born in five different towns, eaten five lifetime's worth of food, have five different careers...
And fall in love with the same person, five times.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vOfsxrKVXJM

Orihime's confession is one of the most beautiful confession I ever heard.

The silhouette of fire, my will, I pass on to you.

2009-08-11T18:18:00.004+08:00

"The silhouette of fire, my will,” Minato struggled to breathe, “I pass on to you.”

Whee! Credits to Alcyone23 for coming up with such a beautiful phrase. In any case, Yuuki's my current pen name. Decided to settle for one because it's easier tt way when leaving comments and publishing works. And by not using my real name, it makes things more interesting. *grins* So as most have guessed, the name 'Yuuki' has been inspired from Kuran Yuuki in Vampire Knight (Guilty), but Yuuki has another meaning in Jap ( Snow) and yours truly's just wanting to convey the idea that snow, white as it is in its purest form, can be easily tainted by other colours

Moving on, there are sum things I just couldn't bring myself to like. At the end of the spectrum, PW is a dirty word. Eversince the episode in early July ( tell you if you ask ), I have semi-given up on this subject. When it comes down to PW, the ugly sides of life surface, and one could clearly differentiate between a good leader and a lousy leader. During my realm of office as a Patrol Leader, I had always reminded myself that I'm lucky to have supportive juniors and a helpful Patrol Second who listen and do what I say. I've been rather worried initially because by adopting a more liberal leading approach, I run a risk of juniors disregarding their seniors. On the other hand, I rejected the idea of training my juniors by fear for I firmly believe that being approachable is one of the key characteristics of good leadership. Our juniors' voices have to be heard in order to allow improvement to take place but the punchline between informalities and disrepect should never be blurred. I do not claim to be the best leader, but at least I have always keep in mind to do what needs to be done by a certain deadline ie. not last min work. I clearly rmbed one of the most challenging task I had in Girl Guides was being the I/C for backdrop Com in Joy de Virve Campfire. The whole experience took a toll on me, for I rmb burning the midnight oil to come up with the new design and proposal when our previous designs and proposals were rejected. Time was tight and I had to plan beforehand to make sure the required materials are obtained so that my patrol can start work immediately during guides hours. And no matter how stressed it got coupled with deteriorating grades, I never let my mood affect or rather vent my frustrations on my juniors.

Unfortunately, for the sake of a better SGC, leadership positions have been exploitated, seen as a revenue for advancing towards their personal selfish agendas instead of serving for a greater good. I was fairly disappointed to see many who claimed to be the leaders of AJC failed to understand the weight that comes along with their positions. I suppose when a leader (pls note!) wants to comment on another leader or members of the class/grp, one needs to actually BE a good leader and/or at least contributed significantly to the group/class . Where is his/her basis for comparison if the minimum two criteria arent fulfilled?

"Action speaks louder than words" Clinche as it may be, the one who contributes the least should say the least. Insead of pushing the blame on others, claiming that its unfair, shouldn't you just spend more time reflecting upon ur way of leading. It's an unspoken rule tt a leader ought to do more than an avg member in the grp. If the otherwise were to happen, it simply proves tt the leader has failed.

Oh god, save me from the embarassement!

2009-08-06T20:04:00.003+08:00

Apparently the joke was carried too far today. And I swear there's hundreds of butterflies fluttering in my stomach with my heart drowning in a whirlpool of emotions now. RAWR! so much for all the crap. Seriously, I wonder what's wrong with me. I was so embarassed today I was almost at the brim of tears, and yet I still have to put on a positive front in front of those who embarassed me. WTH?! Why is it always me?

Sumhow or rather I'm at a lost. I felt as though I've been slapped on both sides of my cheeks. I felt betrayed and I felt utterly lousy. My day is ruined.

2009-07-23T19:41:00.003+08:00

Current mood is an upsetting one. Sometimes, things just go wrong in ur life. I pretty sure I'm not cut out to be a good friend. While always trying to give excuses abt things I failed to do, I came to realised that the root of the problem lies with me ---- I dun love them enough to sacrifice for them. If a person truly likes another, he/she will have no issue with trying to accomodate.

I miss Jingqiu, Niantee, Yuxuan, Sam, Baoyi & many many more. And i'm pretty sure I'll never find a clique liddat, a clique which puts me at ease even when the days were stormy.

MYCT, you suck.

2009-07-13T16:22:00.003+08:00

RAWR! this is crazy. I was rather disturbed by sth Person X posted up on her blog ysd. Shall be confronting Person X during school tmr. Meanwhile, I can only hope that no one see the post.

AJ life is so stressful, I reckon that I'd survive and get promoted this yr. With what's all the many lousy results BDEUU.

The Relentless Rain

2009-07-08T20:27:00.003+08:00

I almost died today because horrifyingly, I realised that only 2 out of 4 members in the group ( 1 of them being me) bothered to go around asking people to fill in the survey forms. Worst of all, those who did the least were actually the ones with the most comments and complaints.

Sumtimes, I feel like slapping some ppl awake and go "SHUT UP IF YOU HAVE NOTHING CONTRIBUTIVE TO SAY." But because of many "priceless" things in life like teamwork and sportsmanship, fate demands us to say sth like "Oh, you're so lovely I shall listen compliantly to you and your valuable opinion." just like how the govt claims us to be a liberal democratic society where freedom of speech is highly valued. *sick look*

Well then, maybe I should learn to relax. Afterall, I'm not the grp leader and I should have long figured out that it doesn't help to do more, because others in the grp wouldn't kindly thank you for ur efforts. Instead, stupid comments were made without offering real alternatives or hope.

It's times like this when I badly wanted someone to ask me how I feel so that I could vent out all my frustrations and unhappiness.

ARGH, I never felt so bad before. And probably because I kinda lose control of my emotions today which makes things worst. I didn't know why, but the guilt of hurting someone because of this, hurts me so badly it's killing me.

& my world rained relentlessly for time to come

The Green Eyed Monster

2009-07-03T12:23:00.004+08:00

Hatred, Suffering, Envy. Like the legs of a cauldron, they support the hearts of humans.

~~MID-YEARS~~

I'm always acting like I'm happy with my current life, that even if I failed to study, I have what it takes to make it. I claimed that hardwork can beat geniuses but I've always been jealous of those who did better despite slacking or doing last min studying. I thought things have changed after entering college, that I'm more exam orientated than before, that if I continue to progress at this pace, I'll be able to reach my targets and prove to others from top colleges tt my O level is a fraud, an experiment which should have suceeded but otherwise miraculously underperformed. I gave up so many things to make this dream come true.

But all I've been doing was watching their backs. Why? The difference between us hasn't even shrunk since then.. What is this difference? What have I been doing? The distance I could do nothing about.. It can't be put into words. You simply make ppl can't accept it.

Where eternity does not exist

2009-06-27T20:41:00.005+08:00

It's that dreadful season again. The season whereby you have to drag yourself and squeeze in every bit of information you can into your brain. ARGH!

On a side note, it seems utterly impossible for me to open up my heart anymore.
Everytime something nice happens, I'd reject it str because nice never goes with forever.

Kakashi's Gaiden

2009-06-27T13:04:00.003+08:00

Annoucement!
The story of the Kakashi Gaiden is finally going to be animated into a 1-hour Naruto Shippuden anime special on July 30th. The arc is covered in Volume 28 of the manga, but it was never animated until now. An article in Shonen Jump confirmed it. The title for the 1-hour special is Kakashi’s Gaiden – The Battlefield of a Boy's Life

KYAAA! Finally!
I'll be getting to see Minato N. on screen, and I hope they get a seiyuu with a nice cool voice to feature his role.
Alright so practically tt's it, sth to look forward to in my otherwise dreary life.

HEADACHE! RAWR!

2009-06-27T00:14:00.005+08:00

RAWR! My head's hurting like mad from biology facts!
Seriously, shouldn't lecturers make it a point to make their notes more concise.
I've been spending hours reading things seemingly useless but I couldn't just skip them as well, because the whole sectence wouldn't make sense anymore.

Its so infuriating! Couldn't MOH just do students a big favour by extending the holidays. Because at the rate i'm going, it doesn't seem any different whether I have A H1N1, I'm dying from the piles of untouched revisions!

AW! I DUN WANNA RETAIN!
I dun wanna spend any year suffering under the cluthes of evil homeworks, tests and examinations!

Annoying.
Oh so annoying.
Annoying!

seventeen, sweet or bitter?

2009-06-16T12:52:00.006+08:00

Hi all, as it seems, yours truly has offficially joined the ranks of seventeen last Friday, June the 12th.

K Garden-ing with Yiying and Jiawen was great! And so much more with fun chats about homosexuality and whatnots! Personally, I do approve of gays and lesbians but according to Singapore's penal code section 337a, annal sex is criminised --- simply put, acts of homosexuality is a crime. ( Ridiculous! ) But law aside, it really nails down to an individual to decide on his/her sexual orientation. While some are just born gay, like me. *smirks*

Of all my past birthday celebrations, I love this year's the most. Previous years felt like a sort of forced birthday, how it seems like an obligation to go out with the friends, who grumble if I were to reject or leave early to celebrate with my family or have other commitments. The whole thing became pointless when I turn out to be unhappy on the day I'm supposed to enjoy the most. For instance, Sec3: I had forcefully willed myself to go out with friends even though, I seriously wanted o stay at home and practise my pieces because the testing will take place the day after. As a result, I failed badly for my Grade 7 Organ exams, due to stress coupled with obvious lack of practice. And maybe,because of this, I completely lost interest in Organ. But its alright, since I didn't regret quiting.

This year though, I choose the way my birthday would go, I choose who I wanted to be with on this special day, and I was never happier.

Birthday wishes which made my day
" I am glad that you are my friend because by talking to you makes me happy and forgetting all my troubles. " ( Shichie)
"Stay happy and cheerful like always to brighten up the atmosphere with your hearty laughter"
( Yiying, Ivan and Anissa )

PS, its always a nice thing for friends to pen down their thoughts and show how much you mean to them, and them alone.

For saying that you like me even with the way I am, thank you. :)
Arigato.

For never was a story of more woe than this of Juliet and her Romeo

2009-06-09T23:38:00.005+08:00

Juliet Fiamatta Asto Capulet X Romeo Candolebonte Montague
when the fate of the two star crossed lovers are about to become tragically entwined.

Been rather into the romance genre these day. But as much as I've come like the above pair, I love the pairing between Minato N. and Kushina U. even more. Although both pairings did not end off with a happily ever after, I agree for once that tragic love tends to stand out more. ( Common, just how many happily ever after do you get in reality?! ) In truth, reality surpasses fictions, but ppl needs stories in life at the same time.

There's a couple of amazing fanfics out there which made my heart drop with description so god-like I'd indugled myself in the wonder of langauge and langauge itself. Words can be powerful, but only when you have the ability to wield it well enough.

cited from Romance of a Uzumaki, a Naruto Fanfic.

Then what do you think of me?” he asked.

And she thought.

She thought of his face, smiling at all hours of the day, so irrationally nice and calm. She thought of his unpredictability, running off on that awkward and unusual day of the first Mommy Class, of his nursery, his selfless offer to take the reins and raise the child they had accidentally made.
She thought of his voice, his eyes, his arrogant, confident, joyful grin.

She thought of him as a man. She thought of him as a Hokage. And she thought of a memory, faded with the years, of a cocky little boy with dandelion hair, who asked what her name was when she was a silent little girl with hair as violently red as blood.

By all means, he was a man who was born to infuriate her. The yin to her yang, the calm before her storm. He smiled when there was nothing to smile about, when she'd explode in profanities and anger. He grinned and bore it, she hissed and retorted.

He was a bitter taste in her mouth, a relationship born of chance that would never have happened otherwise. A scab that would be flicked off when all was said and done, but a scab to be respected and remembered. He was the Hokage on a pedestal, the greatest of all, his face carved in stone. She was nothing more than a name in a crowd, a flash of red hair in a photograph.

She hated him, sometimes.

And yet.

And yet, there was a feeling beneath all that, a feeling that caused her to grin and laugh at anything at all at the mere mention of his name. Something that bubbled and swelled and stirred up beneath the bitter crust of Expectation, pressing hard, wishing desperately for freedom.

It was a feeling she had no name for, a feeling that she was certain wasn't love.

Love was what she felt when she was 13 years old, getting a Valentine's chocolate from Akane Fuji, and seeing that he had written their names under an umbrella near the boy's bathroom. She went and kissed him, enthusiastically and with little regard for his consent, after school that day. The romance lasted a week at the most, and the umbrella that had caused it got erased even quicker than that.

Love was what she felt when she was 17 years old, lounging on the edge of the bed in a love hotel with Inoichi, peering at him with eyes that she saw women make in cheap magazines. He'd smile back and tell her he loved her too, but the intimacy would rarely last longer than a few hours at a time.

Love was something that was temporary and hot, that made her stomach flutter, that ended quickly and abruptly, with little fanfare and plenty of sour feelings.

No, this feeling was entirely different. It was happy, undeniably so, and yet confusingly blended with astonishment and disbelief, and skepticism. There was always some small shred of cynicism that this nameless emotion was as temporary as all the rest beneath the angry surface, that this unnatural contentment was a freak of chance, an opportunity that would stir once or twice and then be permanently silent.

But it didn't go away. It stirred, it swirled beneath the crust of Kushina's thoughts, eroding the anger and getting closer and closer to the surface.

And she still didn't know what it was.

“Taking your time, are we?” Minato said, a slightly playful tone in his voice. “Am I really that complicated, or are you just trying to make fun of me?”

She looked at him, and opened her mouth to speak, to say something sharp and witty in response, but no words came to her lips.

There he was, there was Minato. The source of all this strangeness, as real as he always was, smiling slightly, and yet still looking like there was some secret he was keeping from her.

The feeling swelled and broke, and it filled her from her toes to her stomach to her head.

So this was love.

& I could imagince myself falling head over heels in love if someone like Minato N. exists in the real word. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to be the case.

The O~! so Great Anderson!

2009-06-08T17:35:00.004+08:00

Mind you, its Anderson Secondary, not the otherwise Anderson JC.

Alright, this may sounds weird for a rather unsentimental person like me, but I kinda miss ANDSS! Though not all the time since AJ has been pretty good on me, except the part on students' welfare and facilities wise, I'm fine with the way things are. But sometimes when things took a turn for the worst ( esp the suckish PW, or when 18/09 seems especially dull on a boring school day ), I come to miss and appreciate 4/1'08 more than ever.

The class, which despite struggling with 10 subjects, is always full of laughter, fun, crap and whatnots hurhur. I'd look forward to sitting beside Anissa ( dearest sitting partner) in class during pre O levels/prelims period, rushing hw due on the present day to those due weeks ago, comparing who's slacker, getting scolded by teachers for being unattentive, singing ( though I'm not much of a singer la) and laughing till stomach pain like siao at the most trivial things etc. 18/09 is just a 3H2,1H1 class, but everyone's so caught up with their academics, no one gives a damn about class bonding.

PW wise, I'd somtimes place myself in a senario in which I'll be working with 4/1'08 ppl, cooperative, responsible and understanding workers. Leeching would have been the last thing on everyone's worry lists. I thought about working with 18/09 and problems which will never arise with the fun-loving yet efficient 4/1'08 ppl.

And all these things made me realise how much I had taken my ex-class for granted. Now that I start to learn the ugly sides of life, it makes me feel really guilty.

Once an an andersonian, always an andersonian
Yes, I'm glad that I chose Anderson Sec of all secondary schools.

An unexpected dream

2009-06-07T18:37:00.004+08:00

I dreamt that I killed someone ysd. okay, not exactly someone, its 10 to be exact. I was on some sort of killing spree and was thrilled at the horrified sight of blood. (The scent of blood alw disgusts me) Its all a blur now but those ten ppl don't seem like anyone I know in reality. And when the euphouric drug like high finally settled down, I started crying. -.-!

What a dream.

To dream that you kill someone, indicates that heavy stress may cause you to lose your temper and self-control. Consider the person you have killed and ask yourself if you feel any rage towards him or her in your waking life. Your dream may be expressing some hidden anger. Alternatively, you may be trying to kill or put an end to an aspect of yourself that is represented by the person killed. Identify the characteristics of this person and ask yourself how you do not want to be like him or her

Pissed, totally.

2009-05-29T19:48:00.005+08:00

Oh yeah, I'm feeling kinda pissed right now, despite it being the last day of term 2 today, which is supposedly meant to be a good day. I couldn't wait for tmr's meet up with Yiying and vent out my resentment. Whenever we are tgt, we'd confide in each other and pour out all our frustration abt the average hell we're living in. ( AJC ). Our conversation would go for hours and i'm just glad to be around Yiying, to feel refreshed after revealing all my inner thoughts, and this is sufficient to last me for another wk before repeating our usual laught-out-lound and lamenting session during Visual Arts. Interacting to Yiying is like interacting to a sister of mine ( well well,she's my dry sis after afterall. HAHA! ), sumhow or rather, I know for sure she wouldn't betray me, that this is a once in a millionth chance whereby I found a friendship so true and strong.

I think twice when confiding in my current clique because in a certain way, yes we're close but not close enough for me to feel comfortable. And time is the most challenging obstacle in the path of mutual friendships. More often than not, humans relationships resemble the act of drinking strawberry milkshake, it starts off with a distinctly sweet flavour, only to taste sickly as time rides by.

Alright, so back to the topic abt why-am-i-so-pissed?
An approx period of 4months spent in AJ made me realised how ugly the school is, not so much on its physical features ( although yeah, its pretty much obvious for me to elaborate any further) but rather the social aspects. Teaching figures are absolutely unreasonable in their stance for "righteous" ,a mindless pursuit of a false reality that they forgo the welfare of the students, placing them at a greater disadvantage compared to students from other colleges. Take for instance the 2008 PW results in which only 20% of the cohort secured an A grade. I was atonished by the lack of concern coming from teachers who deemed their students as ~~stupid, lousy~~ less capable when in fact they are no better.

I clearly rmb how Mr A. Lim took my 2.4 timing for 7 rounds albeit obviously knowing that I had ran past 6 rounds, but was too lazy to care. Its complete irony as the former blamed me for my irresposibility to count for my rounds when he himself, as a teaching figure lacks the responsibility to inform me of my faux pas. This is, however, the 1st but not the last time I encountered a teacher so mentally and emotionally deprived due to their glum and miserable lives. Earlier this wk, I was reprimanded by a random physics teacher for talking loudly, as he claimed. I was hurled with stupid insults without being given a chance to explain myself. How reasonable! And today! I was yet again pointed out by another unknown teaching staff for a sin I din even commit. WTF?!

With that, I conclude that AJC is doomed.
I was counting down to the June holidays, but in actual fact, I'm looking forward to the end of my dreadful days in AJC.

RAWR, I wish I've gotten into VJ.

Tonight, I Hold You With My Tainted Hands

2009-05-25T15:00:00.009+08:00

Its been a blue day for me, and the ultimate culprit behind as it would seems, is no other than the downright troublesome-yet-meaningless PW. So, my group consisting of Kaidi, Natalie, Lorraine and I, is always having communication probs, an offset in the fundamentals teamwork requires. PW is the most detestable component of college life, but you can't just dismiss it either since its a complementary product.

I almost feel sorry for Singaporeans who are struggling to meet insane expectations our society demands. I wanted to cry but I alw ended up smiling. I wanted to confide in someone but I alw ended up speechless, overwhelmed by anxiety, fear and the familiar taste of defeat...
And sometimes, just sometimes, I wonder if my mind will be a little more peaceful if I become a vampire.

Cast me into a deep slumber till the end of time..

Rain of Regrets

2009-05-22T22:08:00.003+08:00

Its a complicated feeling, undeniably so, seeing some of my closest friends holding respectable, if not "grand", positions in their CCAs or classes. It makes me seem so lame, especially after knowing that Ivan who previously led a low profile life, was faced with a decision to be a Track Captain over a Class Leader.( When I'm not even a teeny weeny subject rep in class. RAWR! ) And its almost embarassing to mention that I'm from Visual Arts, the slackest of the slackest.

I wasn't that much concerned with CCA before but with rising compeitions and all, I seriously doubt I could enter NUS Dentistry. As a matter of fact, yours truly certainly do not come from a wealthy family and despite scoring above average grades while studying less than proportionately, I'm certainly not a str As student. Hence, getting a scholarship or going overseas to further my studies is out of qns.

*Sighs* If only I knew I'd be this much torn apart, maybe I should have applied for EXCO.

Too late, too bad, too much regrets.

The most precious memories are confined within the heart

2009-05-11T15:33:00.009+08:00

Time of Eve 4 ( Eve's Doll: Nameless )

Things worth noting.

In Katoran's dying moments, he recalls his name and the face of the little boy he took care of. An indication of a heart, where important memories, memories that cannot be erased, are stored separately from the ROM. It makes one wonders whether people suffering from dementia keep in their hearts somewhere the memories most precious to them.

This child, you see, wanted someone to remember his name.

And it's only when ur heart fails to desire, that the familiar taste of sadness no longer lingers on.
Could you have also forgotten those precious bonds?

Tracks of the Soul

2009-05-08T23:03:00.005+08:00

No one came. You were all alone. Humans are weak. They always try to protect themselves, that's why they pretend not to see anything. There was no use.
Hell Girl

I never found more truth in this statement. Unknown to many, I was having the hardest time last yr which unfortunately coincides with the big Os. Family issues---daily parental fights. Friendship issue, when a certain closest, if not best friend of mine found someone new to flaunt with after realising tt I was of no use to her anymore. Academically, I wasn't performing well either, esp Maths, and Mrs Chong's hurling insults only serve to instill more despair in me. Paradoxically, should all these "timely affairs" happen a yr or so b4 , I might have been able to concentrate better, and perhaps score an L1R5 good enough to get me into VJ, my dream JC.

Yes, no one helped me. No one even bothered asking whether I was coping or not coping at all. No one sensed the crying soul behind those light hearted smiles. But overtime, I understood. Even if they wanted to, there was nothing they could do. Everyone's just trying to secure their grades, protecting themselves, aiming towards the goal they longed for. No one saved the girl struggling on the track...

There was no use.

& I dislike you for your arrogance

2009-04-30T22:23:00.006+08:00

Yes, she has, as much as I'd regret to note, changed into a different person, with what's little sensitivities left for others. Then again, this hasn't been the 1st time a close friend of mine disposes me off once tarnished. What am I thinking, hoping that u will be one big exception?

On second thoughts, I might be appearing as an unfaithful fren to a certain someone, always ignoring his sent msges, may it be unintentional or intentional wise. I've always find it difficult to reply Shichie's msges. The way he asks things and all, often left me totally clueless as to how to keep the conversation going. Most of the time, I'd let those msges steam off for hours before replying.

I rmb Shichie and I used to be pretty close esp during my sec2 days when I haboured a special interest towards him. But when he got himself a gf, we started drawing clearer frontiers as to how far we friends could go before it became too far. I never expected him to get involved in a relationship so quickly after stepping into college but when he did, I knew he was serious.

For the following 2yrs of stress, anxiety filled days, we lost contact. I was facing a major crisis in life, overwhemed with resentment about the fact tt no one was there for me. It's prob this period of hell living which turned me into a cynical person, bonded by chains of distrust and hatred. Friends once hold a very negative meaning in my life, and Shichie was no exception.

Sleep was the only way I could think of to escape these difficult feelings.

I kept wanting to wake up, knowing that this was all a horrible nightmare. I wanted to believe that it wasn't real, that I was caught in somone's cruel illusion.

But it DID happen, that was REALITY.

A Chapter in History

2009-04-18T22:24:00.004+08:00

ANDSS 39th Speech Day reminds me of my "Once upon a time" which did not end with a "happily ever after". I choose not to come back early for a reason more sig than "Afternoon PE"--- can't bear to watch the Cinderalla Story which did not befall me. I was afraid I'd burst out, like a deprived child.

Now that I think abt it, my life has evovled and my existence amplified so much more after entering AJC. The me from before was reserved, somewhat shy and the fact tt 4/1 was a big class comprised of 46ppl didn't make things any better. There was hardly any chance for me to voice out and overtime, I started questioning the value of my existence in the class. Just stop, think, and question urself, even as classmates for 2yrs, how far have u got to know them all? and just how far have the rest got to know you as you, not in terms of academic standards?

I wanted a fun, interactive environment where my voice could be heard, respected and thus proof of my valued existence. Here in AJC, I found a home where I could smile genuiely, interact sincerely and tutors who learn our names not just by face but as individuals. I led a largely fulfilling life, studying and playing hard. Though exhuasted by the busy curriculum, I never look forward to going school every morning so much before. :D

I'm thankful I entered AJC and got to know ppl who changed my life entirely. I had my reservations still, about friends forever. But for now, let the sweet presence persist for as long as it could hold.

Walking out of the dimly lit ANDSS after Speech Day, I was engulfed by a wave of nostalagia. Leaving the place and strolling down the same pathway I've been walking for the past 4yrs. And maybe its the night fall, ANDSS seems especially beautiful in the clear moonlight.

With that, my bittersweet secondary days in ANDSS is officially a history chapter.

As Stubborn as an Ass

2009-03-29T10:51:00.005+08:00

I admit, I'm as stubborn as a donkey.

Everytime I got stuck at a particular qns ( may it be maths, bio, chem, econs, gp, pw ), I just couldn't bring myself to move on. Most of the time, I'd declare a staring compeitition with the fromer and just most of the time, I managed to figure out the solution. But there are sum times whereby the staring compeition will go on for hours and hours with me drawing qns marks all over the qns.

Tt's me, the stubborn one. I couldn't convinced myself to have completed my work unless I solved tt particular qns. Well well.

Scarlet Moon

2009-03-21T12:05:00.006+08:00

I can vouch tt this is the best-est picture!
Agree, Jingqiu? :D
PS, Tsuruga Ren is exactly my type!

Dark Moon; Their lives started to go wrong by a quirk of fate on that night.

RAWR! its boring tt no friends around me ( besides Yvonne ) loves animes as much as I do. There's really no kick in talking to friends who have no idea what u are talking abt, or rather I wouldn't even start a topic on animes with them to begin. Even Jingqiu, who was once a Naruto addict, had her interest fades off as time goes by. It's funny, gemini(s) are supposed to be fickle-minded; toying around with playthings and it wasn't long before tt they decided to drop it and move on to the next target.

March hols is a lie. Nevertheless, I could jolly well say tt I did enjoy my hols, some parts of it. Mum wasn't here to nag me and the ex-clique gathering which brightened up my night! Seriously, I only came to know tt 4/1 rocks this much after grad. And I'm really grateful to Yiying for making my time both in school and outside of school, such a happy one. It's been so long since I managed to pull off my hyena-like laughter. lols. Just the mere presence of Yiying puts me at ease, in front of her or Manisha, I dun have to hide anything, or try hard to please them, becos just being tgt is a happy moment itself. :)

Not so long ago, I tot I met friends whom I could rely on forever, but then everything falls out of place and I was left to cry alone in that dark abyss. The chains I used to bind myself from trusting others ever again, is probably loosening.

If the moon was to turn scarlet
and the veil of secrecy was to be removed
Will you still be able to say you love me as much as before?

Dear Diary, I think I might have stepped on a minefield.

2009-03-16T10:45:00.005+08:00

It's the March Holidays, thank godness.

The feeling of being an AJCian haven really gotten into me. I often heard rumours abt how AJ is known for its mugger-ness, but i guess it only applies to a minority. Also, the current clique I'm hanging out in 18/09 is a total contrast to my clique in the past. Audrey and Lorraine dun have an obligation to go home for dinner when night falls, so sumtime I got dragged along to have dinner with them at the Cafe Cartel in J8. They make good study partners esp Audrey, a pretty smart girl and sumtime we would study and complete our tutorials there b4 heading home.

Problem is, Mum would prob disapprove in the long run with all the late home comings and skippings of the family dinners. But change is inevitable and hopefully she understands tt growing up means maturity and time to let go. :)

Dinner with ex-clique tonight, it's a long-time-no-see event. *shrieks*

you haven forgiven me, have you?
it's okay, because,
neither have I.

Beginning of AJC, End of ANDSS

2009-02-27T21:42:00.010+08:00

Lectures and tutorials have officially begun this week. Despite so, I still felt tt ANDSS is more stressful than AJC. My timetable is pretty good, considering the fact tt I'm released at 12.45pm on Mondays and odd week Tuedays. And becos of afternoon PE, Fridays' dismissal time is a little later than usual ( 4.15pm ), but still, not anything too drastically late.

While struggling to adapt and change from a more "ding-dong" mood to a studious mood in preparation, I experienced numerous mood swings. Sumdays I'm happy and the other unhappy. 18/09 is a unique class with a random mix of people of different personalities, frequencies and nature of working. There are more slackers than muggers with me being one of the latter. Still, life becomes interesting when there are some auntie-like and totally out-of-the-world individuals in yr class. At the same time, I couldn't stand some others who try behaving "cool" and loud ppl are absolutely annoying with their attention seeking stunts. It irritates me till no end.

I got especially unhappy when ppl ask for my L1R5/ O level results. Reason being, I'm too ashamed over it. I tot O levels left me for good, nv did I expect it to haunt me even after I stepped into college. Some ppl dun realised the irony while telling others not to compare their results when examinations are all about comparision. Examinations label students as "smart" and "not-as-smart". The society labels its ppl, rich or poor... Even now, I couldn't bring myself to face the fact tt I did below avg across ANDSS, and not getting desired grades despite putting in as much efforts as some others. Why? Why me?! When i slogged my guts out while others who slacked thru managed to pull it off with 8 or even 7pts? No matter how many times I think abt it, my soul alw drowns in tt same thick fog of resentment..

I'm jealous of you.
When I'm with you, I kept wanting a dream which can never come true.

Bloody Rose

2009-02-15T16:14:00.006+08:00

The concealed truth, even if blood spills... I wan to know.

GREAT! The valentine's day rose Meifeng gave me has bloomed! ( after feeding it with panadols ) And it's always nice to see flowers break free from their bud stage because there's no meaning to a flower unless it blooms. In any case, I'm glad and astonishingly suprised and touched tt Meifeng still rmbs the fact that pink roses are my fav. Friends in my OG went WOAH-ing, and the pure-hearted me had to tell them it was from a girl, much to their dismay. =.=

Okay, I love pink roses, but recently the term " bloody rose " from VK caught my eye and I wonder how tragically beautiful it'd be to receive a pure white rose dipped in Blood Type AB ( the rarest and most uncommon ) oh how great! I should have taken lit instead of some ulu econs which I have no idea whether I will fair well in the 1st place. On the other hand, I'm just an average child who is smart enough to know tt Humanities and Arts subjects will not ( as for now ) received as much recognition as compared to Science subjects. The statement holds true, at least in Singapore, where humanities rarely takes its center stage.

Life is often filled with intersections of many coincidentals and if only things were to happen the way I wanted instead of what the society wanted, my story will take on a different path.

Orientation!

2009-02-14T10:23:00.008+08:00

Orientation was URGH average! Wouldn't really say tt it was oh-so-very-fun, because seriously, there are times where I find the games organised lame and not exactly the way I would define it as " fun " We had water games which we didn't really get all that wet, and the Finale which i had been awaiting for on Friday was boring with all the stage plays. Not to say tt I dun understand efforts others put in, ( in fact I understand all so well with Girl Guides' Annual Campfire when the whole company will stay back everyday from 2pm to 7pm, slogging their guts to meet the dateline. it still gives me nightmares ) it's just my very honest opinion.

Okay, or maybe it's just me. I was kinda upset the previous wk when I realised tt I was being dumped into a class where I had no one familiar to turn to. Worst of all, Chu Yun and Chen Teng, taking the same subject combi as me, are in 1909. (!) We missed by one damn class =/

1809 is made up of a bunch of fairly enthusiactic people whom I'm still trying to rmb what their names are. HA, it's a bad mixture of the Ying and the Yang because there's only 3 males, and yet 22 females in total.

Lunch deal at NYP everyday with AJ gang seems a bit far fetched now, esp now tt Yiying and Ivan are staying closer with their soon-to-be PDG(s). I was expecting to walk home with Yiying or Manisha after Finale, but it turned out tt they chose their OG/PDG (s) over me. And I was in no position to say anything more. I didn't feel the least happy when I replied " nvm, it's okay :) " but in order to not make things seem bad, I did it all the same while the insides of me churned.

Sometimes, things happen the opp way we want it, isn't it? Hurting the ones we want to protect, smiling when you actually feel like crying. Even if I were to tell my part of story, what can others do? I knew that, so naturally I never cried in front of ppl again, becos I didn't want to make things difficult for them. I used to cry alot when I'm a kid, becos I tot tt if I cried, someone will help me. But the truth was...

I thought it'd be okay, but whenever I'm alone, the B side of me becomes dominant as I rmb the same fear cast on me when I was awfully young. The pain of being all alone and the hell known as solitude...

It was a night I once again knew fear.

Farewell My Friends! I'll Always Believe in You.

2009-01-31T23:38:00.005+08:00

AJC
thank God for everything. :)

well then, so the heart wrenching story ended off with me being posted to Anderson Junior College. ( science stream ) AJC is definitely not the best JC, esp considering how rundown and drastically small the college is, but it's not like i'm gonna live there as well. While I believe that everything happens for a reason, i wanted to believe that some things will not change even after moving on to college life. One of which includes those precious bonds formed back in Anderson Secondary. ( not tt I made many, but still, i wish those friendships will still stay intact )

Funny how the best of friends turn out to be the worst of enemies. It's true, making friends is one thing, maintaining is another. I had had friendships which are temporary and hot, that made my stomach flutter, that ended quickly and abruptly, with little fanfare and plenty of sour feelings. On the other hand, there are distant friendships which are happy, undeniably so, and yet confusingly blended with comfort and a gentle kinda silence. There was always some small shred of cynicism that this nameless emotion was as temporary as all the rest beneath the bitter crust, that this unnatural contentment was a freak of chance, an opportunity that would stir once or twice and then be permanently silent.

But it didn't go away. It stirred, it swirled, eroding all doubts slowly. Just like how it has always been for me and Yvonne, Shichie, Luqman. Not the closest friends, but yet friendships you know will last a long way. I thought of a memory, faded with the years, during my primary school days, of a cocky little Luqman, who asked me what my name was when I was a silent little girl with hair as disgustingly short as ever. And now 11yrs after our 1st introduction, we are still bickering and complaining to each other abt the average kinda hell we are living in.

So, make new friends and keep the old ones.
For one is sliver, the other is GOLD! :D

お誕生日御目出度う（御座います)

2009-01-25T22:15:00.006+08:00

Otanjoubi Omedetou Gozaimasu Yondaime Hokage!

25 Jan 2009 - Minato Namikaze's, better known as the Fourth Hokage, birthday.
Well, not as usual, I decided to dedicate a post to him seeing how he has always been my all time fav! :D

The sad thing is, we all know tt Minato never had a happy ending, and he prob died in his early twenties. Since the theme of Naruo is the next genaration, Minato was made a flat character and never had a chance to shine. But my image of Minato is close to tt of a Fairy Prince. He was the Hokage on a pedestal, the greatest of all, his face carved in stone and yet always showing his arrogant, confident, joyful grin. He had eyes which burnt with desire to suceed and protect ever single precious person in his village.

Yupp, and I'm positive tt Naruto's lineage shall be playing a big part in the future story plot. I mean, MK kept the secret tt Naruto's father was Minato for 9 yrs ever since start of the series and there must be a sig reason for doing so. Besides, MK could have easily revealed it at the begining if he wanted to:

Twelve years before the events at the focus of the series, the nine-tailed demon fox attacked Konohagakure. It was a powerful demon indeed; a single swing of one of its nine tails would raise tsunamis and flatten mountains. It raised chaos and slaughtered many people, until the leader of the Leaf Village - the Fourth Hokage - defeated it by sacrificing his own life to seal the demon inside his newly-born flesh and blood . That child's name was Naruto Uzumaki.

The man who walked a pathway tainted with bloodshed.

"When the tree leaves dance, one shall find flames. The Hokage will illuminate the village, and once again, tree leaves shall bud anew."

Spun in the cracks of the village's wind, a bond btw master and pupil that binds them for eternity.

Return of my Youth

2009-01-21T12:52:00.004+08:00

Yeah! I RESIGNED from my Job. And i couldn't help smiling all day round now. ha. ha. ha.

Okay, my job wasn't really THAT bad, but still, bad enough. It totally bores me out. In fact, the most challenging part of the job is overcoming boredom it supplies. Hell, but still, i managed to slog my way out for the sake of money.

As a token of appreciation, I treated staffs there cream puffs from Chewy Junoirs and Kinder Buenos for those who were on leave. In return, they gave me a card nicely drawn by Lyn ( the artist in appt department ). Pauline Seow gave me a wallet as a parting gift. hmmm, I will miss Sharon thou, the fact tt she's funny because of her not funny jokes and Amelia seems like a pretty nice, independent girl, she will make a fine replacement after i left. ( not tt i really care )

And so the last day of at NSC ended when the clock strucks it's holy 5pm on the 16th of Jan 2009. With tt, I cheerfully went home to enjoy my last 2 weeks of freedom.

O~! O levels!

2009-01-13T21:17:00.003+08:00

Monday, being the posting of O levels results, left me with mixed feelings.

I was nervous, really. But toturing myself in preparation of torture is stupid, esp when it's one u couldn't do anything abt. Posting of results was 12 Jan, 2pm. And funnily enough, i was born on 12 June 1992, 2.10pm, which makes it at exactly 7 mths after my 16th bday heh? 6 pts was out of qn. Though disappointing, my results was still respectable in all sense.

It's a shame nevertheless, getting too many A2s isn't going to get u anywhere. I figured out tt I was under some sort of curse, which i gladly named it The A2 Curse. I felt relieve, almost happy at 1st , becos God gave me what I asked. But concerned remarks like " Are you okay?" made by friends, Ziyun and junoirs upset me a little. I was jealous, I wanted more, and thus a sinner of Greed, Pride, Envy, Wrath and Sloth. I never felt so bad before.

Good thing is I had a family who had always, and will always support me. Dad told me tt even if I dun make it to one of the Singapore universities, he could offer to sent me abroad to complete my tertiary studies. It makes me happy but all the same sorry.

Later on that night, I went to bed in pain, fully aware that I was rudely awakened from my sweet dream.

Meaning of Tmr

2009-01-11T23:24:00.010+08:00

In an attempt to mask my anxiety for the supposedly BIG day tmr ( Release of O levels Results), I made a trip down to EATZI ( my common hideout ) for dinner tonight. But the main reason for the dinner trip wasn't to rid myself of these unnecessary emotions, a big part of the reason was to celebrate KC's sucessful completion from OBS Oh-Bull-Shit. Good job! :)

The 1st bowling session KC had obviously left him wanting for more. So we went up to Safra, paid and went on to bowl. My 1st shot was downright embarassing with me scoring a zero. =.= Fortunately or unfortunately, my side lanes were all occupied with pro bowlers. That, on the good side was prob a form of distraction for onlookers. On the other hand, it just highlighted the starking constrast btw a total noob and a total pro. *smirks* And and and, i have no idea why everytime i bowl, the ball gave off a loud "PA" sound, unlike others whose movements are smooth and gentle in all aspects. lols.

Jpop's getting my ears all hooked on. Zoku Natsume Yunjincho OP and ED song left quite a big impact on me. Natsume seems abit more fabulous than I could rmb in season 1. Shall stick around more to see how this anime would continue it's plot, esp seeing now tt Vampire Knight ( Guilty ) had finished broadcasting and the sudden decision made by Dattebayo to stop subbing Naruto. There isn't much interesting animes nowadays.

So, tmr's the day huh? There's a part of me who saw this coming a long time ago, but the naive tot of protecting this sweet presence still persists.
I wanted to linger a little longer in this fake world of happiness, and dream like I could live forever.
The current me, is a little afraid of the meaning of tmr.

"If this is a sweet dream, pls dun ever wake me up."

Resolution/Wishes 2009

2009-01-02T23:49:00.005+08:00

So, after visiting KC's blog, in which he listed down 1 whole chunk of new year resolution cum wishes,
I decided to do the same thing!
and at the same time alter my previous resolutions such that they will be attainable. :)

1. I'll correct anyone who calls me by chun1 ling2 next time, seriously you should know better by now not my name isn't and had never been chun1 ling2, it's chun2 ling2. URGH.

2. forget abt everyday updates, i'll just update when i feel like it. :)

3. I'll touch Organ-chan once a day!
This is Watashi no Nindou datte ba yo!
I'm ashamed, even after learning Organ for 8+ years( since P3 ), my sight play still sucks!

4. A trip to Japan!
well, i just wanna visit Naruto Museum sumday!

5. Get to know myself more.
sumtimes we try so hard to please others that in the process, we lost ourselves.

So, had this small prayer session on the 1st day of 2009, it's kinda like a family custom.
But this year was a little different for me.
expanded my capacity to pray, not always abt me and people around me ( loved ones, families, friends ) but to the world out there.
Not always abt grades and money, but oso abt peace and compassion.

The world reflected in my eyes is probably ugly, but I was given so much more becos I was born into this world. :)

Spiral of Recollection

2008-12-31T21:34:00.008+08:00

KYAHH! I just finished reading Naruto manga chapter 430!
Weekly Shounen Jump took a break last wk and it's almost unbearable to wait 2 weeks for just 1 chapter.
Heeh.. Naruto's growing cooler! He even had a cape on this time round, just like Yondaime. (my fav) :)

Ha. and last wk while shopping in amk hub, I saw fellow Bleach cosplayers like WOAH!
They wore wigs, costumes and even had their parangs parangs along.
It's so cool and reminds me of the 1st and only time me cosplaying as Misa.
I'll probaby cosplay again, IF the costume is nice. :D

wheee! HAPPY NEW YEAR 2009!
あけましておめでとうございます ( Akemashite omedeto gozaimasu ) HAI!
I could now officially declare that I have worked for 1 month
and if my maths didn't fail me, I should have earned $900++ (YEA!)

2008 wasn't a very smooth and happy yr for me.
And i went thru the yr coping with painful truth and memories
Many many things happened, and things which are once very precious to me turn out to be false fronts.
The me who didn't know anything, the me who used to love everything, ended up being corrupted by hatred and pain, and the horrendous blood which deceived me.
It's unforgivable, almost like a sin.
Snail might be right and according to Meifeng, i'm turning Mildred-like
but fact is, if the truth is stained with bloodshed, i would rather not know.

2009 will be a good yr, I know so.
Ugly memories will be erased.
It's a new start, for everyone.

As for my new yr resolution; I will update my diary everyday, strive hard and be nice to myself!
Ferlin says,
Sometimes, it's hard to believe in yourself esp when u are clumsy, and when your grades are so lousy its almost unbelievable! but you never know what the real you are capable of! YES, i can do anything once I set my mind on it. :D

End of 2008
Beginning of 2009
everything will change, well almost!
When the clock strucks 12 tonight, it will be a turning pt in my life! ( of cos, where dy/dx=0 ) hehe!

The Cursed Twins

2008-12-31T21:28:00.005+08:00

Gemini the twins. Split personalities would be a more accurate description. One minute he can be laughing up a storm and the next he can be ready to take a hammer to your head. It is not hard to feel that the Gemini is unstable to say the least. At one moment they can be witty, quick and flexible and the next they can be glib, sarcastic, fickle and downright devious. These are two sides of the same coin and it is way too easy for the Gemini to flip from one side to the other. It doesn't take them much. Sometimes, just a look will do it.

Gemini has more than one personality, which can change in a flash, and those near to them would do well to learn them both. On and off, up and down, back and forth, black and white, day and night, ying and yang - this is the essence of the Gemini personality.

I'm pretty fascinated at the thought that Geminis -I mean me- have split personalities. The topic came to me during the Sakae Sushi trip with Fiona and Ivan in which both of them ganged up and bullied me. :'( The curious me decided to check it out just so to prove it's credibilty. oh well, end of story.

More recently, i have been dwelling on the fact why is it tt I have no memories from before I was six. Maybe someday, I'll know why.

X'mas Special

2008-12-25T16:08:00.003+08:00

Merry X'mas! メリークリスマス ( Merii Kurisumasu )
hmmm, x'mas itself is nothing special, but xmas eve is the special one!
so, being the eve of a public holiday, it's a half day for work.
and my job is pretty simple for that day, all I need to do is to sit there and money money will come to me :)
It's the exact thing jobless ppl are doing at home, just tt they dun get the money.
RAWR. but I couldn't help but think tt I'm a litttle more than useless.
There are times when i wanted to help, but i just tot that i would mess things up instead, and someone else will have to cover up for my mistake.

oh, and the night before, I was watching Romeo and Juliet online. haha
just a spur of a moment kinda thing, but i really do wanna watch it at least once before i die.
The virtual world is always surrounded by simple desires and plot in which the good will live " happily ever after" whereas the evil perishes.
and if only reality can follow such a rule, then maybe the world could be a better place. :)

On a special note, go for RITE pizza next time, not California or Pizza Hut.
They really do sell the best pizzas there!

Hamruto

2008-12-07T23:02:00.020+08:00

NARUTO + HAMTARO = HAMRUTO ( make sense?)

eh, kawaii neh. Yvonne's gonna run after me for this later. lols.
so so so, i found myself a job at National Skin Centre which pays me at $6 per hour ( not bad alr!)
and it's really such a slacky job.
seriously, most of the time i have a prob with NOT doing work.
It makes me guilty if i just daze off and wait for the holy 5pm!
(like what i did for the last 2 hours on fri..)
and it just doesn't feel right getting the pay when you didn't really do much.
well well, i'm really a law-by-law person ain't I? :)

On a side note, staffs there had been pretty nice on me,
and it's kinda funny since i' m the YOUNGEST in the whole company,
everyone's been looking out for me. :)
In any case, i'm gald althou i'm still not very used to the working lifestyle, to be honest.

okay okay, NOW presenting HAMRUTO!

hehe! fridays always rock!

and Naruto plays a big part in making my day!

12 dec 08; Naruto Shippuden episode 88 + Naruto manga chapter 428

The End of Tears

2008-11-28T23:13:00.014+08:00

okay fine! I realised that I really shouldn't leave things at " 7 more papers to the end of O levels!" haha! In fact , it's been 3 weeks since the end of O levels, to be exact.
Well then, so O's over, prom's over and secondary school's OVER as well!
For starters, I've always wished for this day to come.

Graduation signifies the ending of one phase in life, and the beginning of the other.
and I really really wanted to move on from there and start everything afresh
The last 2 yrs were hell for me! I haven't struggled this much, cried this much in my life. lols. Not to mention the sucky Os, when I constantly suffer from diarrhoea ( due to anxiety) and sleepless nights. In fact I was so stressed out, my periods' timings were so messed up.haha!

But then again, there are many friends and people who had been there for me! :)
and NARUTO! lols. Even though it's just an anime, but seeing how the protagonist defies the odds, makes me wanna try things a little harder.

hmmm, and home staying for 3 weeks was a Boring with a capital B
but at the same time enjoyable.
It's a gentle silence, to free urself from all hassle and allow room for one to think without meeting anyone's expectations.
And for a long time to come,
I was free to hate AND free to love once again.

Everyone of us went through our lives hurting others and getting hurt by others, but knowing how it feels like to be hurt is exactly why we try to be nice to one another.

2008-11-03T23:00:00.007+08:00

Which NARUTO character are you!? Your Result: Congrats you are "Sakura"! Smart and studious, you are the brightest member of your class. You are constantly distracted by a fellow classmate of yours, but can ninja training compete with the power of love?
Congrats you are "Kakashi"!
Congrats you are "Naruto"!
Congrats you are "Ino"!
Congrats you are "Sasuke"!
Congrats you are "Hinata"!
Congrats you are "Kiba"!
Congrats you are "Shikamaru"!
Which NARUTO character are you!? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

lols, i dun mind being sakura. I find her pretty amazing esp when she fought Sasori in Naruto Shippuden.The sheer industry will eventually beat the innate geniuses, tt's what i believe in.

HELL YEAH!
HELL YEAH!
HELL YEAH!

7 more papers to END OF O LEVELS!

The gift of preserverance is what makes a true genius.